I know what you’re searching for….

There are three topics that bring people to my blog time and time again. In order of popularity, they are;

  1. How to pass a drug test
  2. How to use the darknet (ironic, because half the reason you’d need to pass a drug test would be because of shit you bought off the darknet)
  3. When’s the 2016 Suzuki Hayabusa coming out?

Many of the people searching these terms had questions which my articles failed to address. In the interest of being thorough, I will address these questions now.

How much bleach do I need to pass for meth on a drug test?

Um, you’re fucking kidding, right? Are you asking about drinking bleach or pouring it into your urine? Drinking the bleach will definitely make it so you don’t have to take the drug test – on account of you’ll be dead. Pouring bleach directly into your urine sample will likely result in you being pulled for a higher caliber test, when it’s shown that your urine has more chlorine than the average swimming pool. Meth will stay in your system for three to five days, so just put the damn pipe down for a week and you’ll be cool. Don’t drink bleach and don’t put it in your pee.

Will meth help me pass a drug test for weed?

No, meth won’t help you pass a drug test. I cannot comprehend the idiocy which gave birth to that particular line of logic. Smoking meth to pass a drug test would be a bit like eating pancakes to cure diabetes. The only thing that will happen if you smoke meth to get weed out of your system is you’ll test positive for both and wind up in court-ordered rehab. I’m assuming that this idea comes from the fact that amphetamines speed metabolism, which could actually be counterintuitive. Marijuana has an oil base, which makes it attach to other oils like human fat. Speeding up your metabolism is more likely to release old metabolites than it is to get rid of new ones.

Time and water, those are your options. That’s it. Time and water. There is no magic cure. If there was, no one would ever fail a drug test and probation would be obsolete.

How do I buy meth on the darknet?

What is it with you people and meth? Look, the darknet is crazy expensive for everything but weed. Weed’s cheap because of legal competition. Meth, not so much. If you’re hard up, yes you can buy it there but it’s going to cost you a fuckton and to be honest, I’ve never met a rich meth addict. Check out the Darknet subreddit to get specific info regarding PGP, Bitcoin and black markets. Just note there’s a learning curve and if you’re one of those who can barely send an attachment via email, you’re not going to be able to do it.

When does the new Suzuki Hayabusa come out?

I have no fucking clue. I wrote the article a long time ago, for some scammer who never paid me, and slapped it up on my site so they couldn’t use it. The only info I can give you about any scooter is something my dad said a long time ago.

“Scooters are like fat chicks. They’re fun to ride till your friends see you on one.”

That’s all I got. Hope I clarified a few things, because I learned a few things myself. Those things are;

  • A lot of meth users come to my site.
  • The vast majority of those meth users are idiots who I should be encouraging to drink bleach
  • The Suzuki Hayabusa is the preferred mode of transportation for meth heads everywhere.



Marijuana Myths Debunked

Everyone in the world knows that the classic film “Reefer Madness” was nothing more than a government propaganda campaign, filled with misinformation, designed to instill mass panic as an excuse to increase the fines on marijuana possession.

If you don’t know that, you are far too stupid to be working my page. Please leave.

My last post included some of my own pro-weed propaganda. Usually, people who disagree with me on my stance on decriminalizing marijuana just ignore me. However, I did receive an anonymous email filled with supposed facts and information disagreeing with me.

It was one of those really obnoxious emails, where all the words were in fucking caps lock and it was twelve paragraphs long. The a-hole even had the audacity to excuse his excessive caps lock with the statement ‘sorry, my caps lock key is stuck.’

For future reference Anonymous, your computer problems are not my problem. Before you expect me to read a fucking email, drop the $20 on a new keyboard. Caps lock is an assault to the eyes. Also, next time, you can change everything to lowercase just by highlighting it all, holding down shift and pressing F3.

You’re welcome.

Even better anonymous, that helpful little computer tidbit is not all you’re going to learn from me tonight! I’m going to pump you full of forced knowledge by debunking every single one of your ‘facts’ (or FACTS, as you like to scream it).

Marijuana is a gateway drug.

Correlation does not equal cause. While I will agree that marijuana users are about 100 times more likely to try harder drugs, that does not mean marijuana is a gateway drug. Generally, people who have access to marijuana also have access to stronger drugs. This does not make marijuana a ‘gateway’. It just means that they have more access to drugs than people who have never tried them.

If you don’t believe me, check out this quote;

There is no conclusive evidence that the drug effects of marijuana are causally linked to the subsequent abuse of other illicit drugs.

Nope, that wasn’t written by the “High Times”. That was written in a congressional report related to scientific evidence that marijuana is not a gateway drug. The study was conducted by some of our nation’s top scientific researchers…i.e. people who actually know how to turn their fucking caps lock off.

For those who like metaphors, saying that marijuana is a gateway to other illicit substances is like saying living near a Taco Bell is a gateway to obesity.

Marijuana causes brain damage

Actually, Anonymous told me that ‘marijuana causes Brian damage’. Poor Brian. Had I known I was hurting the talking dog in “Family Guy”, I would have just switched to meth.


Seriously though, there has been no conclusive evidence of any long term brain damage related to marijuana use, even habitual marijuana use. The only true evidence is related to short term memory loss that occurs while the person is using. So, if you get high before “Two and a Half Men”, you probably won’t remember the episode the next day.

I actually consider that a plus.

Marijuana is a drug

Yup, it sure is. But based on the loosest definition of drug, i.e.;

a medicine or other substance which has a physiological effect when ingested or otherwise introduced into the body.

everything is a drug. When you eat food, you stop feeling hungry. That’s a physiological effect. When you breathe air, you stop feeling dizzy from lack of oxygen. That’s a physiological effect.

The fact is, there are far more harmful drugs out there that are considered perfectly legal. Hydrocodone and Oxycodone are highly addictive and widely available with a prescription. Both of those are opium derivatives. You know what else is an opium derivative? Heroin.

Just another day on the heroin farm...

Just another day on the heroin farm…

So you can get heroin with a prescription, but medicinal weed isn’t recognized as an appropriate medical choice, even though it hasn’t been proven to be physically addictive? I’m calling bullshit.

‘Drug’ doesn’t immediately equal ‘bad’. In fact, many ‘drugs’ help people. Ever heard of penicillin, Anonymous?

Marijuana causes car accidents

I concur. Here’s the problem. When someone gets into a car wreck, they might be tested for alcohol use via a breathalyzer. However, they are rarely tested for marijuana or other drugs, unless the accident causes a fatality.

Even in cases where the user is tested following an accident, there is really no way to know if they smoked immediately before the accident, or a week before. Check out my how to pass a drug test article for more info on that.

There’s no way to know, because there are no laws on the books that list a ‘legal’ threshold. For example, to get charged with drunk driving, the BAC has to be at 0.08 or above in most states. There is a clear cut law that allows officers to charge people with a crime. The law is clear cut because it’s perfectly legal to drink, but it’s not legal to drive drunk.

There is no clear cut threshold for marijuana because marijuana is illegal period. If marijuana were legalized, a clear cut threshold would be set and we would see far more convictions for marijuana related driving offenses. That’s not because more people would smoke marijuana. It’s because the state would actually be able to fucking regulate the use of marijuana while driving.

Marijuana turns people into zombies

I disagree. Marijuana affects the pleasure receptors in a person’s brain, making them more likely to derive pleasure out of simple tasks.

For people like me, who actually have difficulty feeling emotions period, marijuana makes us much more interested in life and willing to participate in new experiences. When I’m using marijuana, I’m far more likely to leave the house, go to the gym, or eat because things are actually interesting again. My pleasure receptors are open, making me want to take part in activities.

Also, if you think that argument is bullshit, I’ll go ahead and announce my case study; Mr. Michael Phelps. Mr. Phelps is the most decorated Olympian of all time…and he’s also a pot smoker.

Go ahead Mr. Phelps, you earned it.

Go ahead Mr. Phelps, you earned it.

He was busted in 2009 partaking in the ganja. While he apologized, he also proved to the world that people who participate in recreational marijuana still have the ability excel. Also, here’s a list of noted celebrity marijuana users, along with their net worth, just for posterity.

  • Jon Stewart, $80 million
  • Bill Maher, $23 million
  • Bill Gates, $72 billion
  • Lebron James, $110 million
  • George Clooney, $180 million
  • Lady Gaga, $190 million
  • Ted Turner, $2 billion
  • Jennifer Aniston, $130 million
  • Morgan Freeman, $150 million
  • Martha Stewart, $300 million
  • Seth McFarland, $150 million
  • Maya Angelou, $28 million
  • Madonna, $650 million
  • High Hefner, $43 million
  • Rihanna, $90 million

Who says potheads are lazy?

Marijuana causes cancer

Marijuana is less of a cancer risk than cigarette smoking. In addition, no conclusive studies have been found to date that show any significant increase in lung or other respiratory related cancers. The majority of cancer cases found in marijuana smokers were incidental findings due to the fact that the marijuana smokers also smoked cigarettes.

Also, alcohol and cigarettes both cause cancer, along with a whole host of other diseases, and they are perfectly legal. Invalid point.

In the future Anonymous, know who the fuck you’re dealing with when you send poorly informed emails about the risks of marijuana use. I’m not a lazy pothead in denial. I work 12 hours a day. I’m simultaneously writing 3 new novels and I’m working on a television pilot as we speak.

And I still manage to find the time to be politically involved with the legislation designed to decriminalize marijuana use.

Meanwhile you, Mr. anti-pot smoker, probably work 40 hours a week stocking shelves at a grocery store. When you get home, you spend your time sending people smarter than you all-caps emails filled with misinformation. You might want to ask yourself who’s doing more for the world here.

At this point, I think smoking a joint or two could only help you.

A Libertarian Fixes the Economy

I consider myself a libertarian in the loosest sense of the term. This means I’m classified as a social liberal, but a fiscal conservative. Last night, I was lying in bed, considering the state of the economy, because if anything will put me to sleep, that will. I came to a conclusion about my status. Why not take my conservative love of penny pinching and big corporations and find a way to make it work with my love of the hedonistic liberal lifestyle? Together, they could help fix the economy.

Two simple words; Legalize It. I think we all know which it I’m talking about.

I’ve done the math, and the numbers don’t lie. An estimated 311,000,000 live in the United States. Statistically, I’m going to assume that approximately 15% of the population uses marijuana. That equals a group of about 46,650,000 of consumers.
Now, let’s assume those consumers buy about a quarter ounce of weed a month. I’m going to go with the price point for high test, rather than schwag weed, because people should only smoke schwag out of necessity. Like when their dealer is out of town and they have to buy dope off the guy at the gas station.

So, let’s go with a $60 quarter, once a month, and place a 2.5% sales tax for each sale. The government makes $1.50 off each unit sold, bringing in an $69,975,000 per month and $839,700,000 per year. Nearly a billion friggen dollars in sales tax alone, never mind the increase in manufacturing, distribution and sales jobs, or the additional revenue that will be gained by the people who make Funions.

There government, I just fixed the economy. You’re welcome.

Of course, opponents of legalizing marijuana see the world a little more like this.

That delightful gem is a trailer for the film “Reefer Madness” which was funded by our government to expose the dangers of marijuana. According to the movie, these dangers include paranoia, attempted rape, murder, insanity, suicidal tendencies, puppy kicking, baby eating…well, I exaggerate, but not by much.

Based on my own personal research (I was wearing a lab coat, so it counts), marijuana side effects don’t result in any of those dangers. It does have a few side effects I have noticed though. Those include thirst, hunger, finding TV more interesting, having long conversations that seem profound but that you forget immediately, sleepiness, pacifism, slow driving and mispelings in my blog. I also know, again based on my additional research, that “Reefer Madness” is friggen hilarious to watch when you’re stoned. The full movie is available on Youtube. BYOW.

Of course, there are some real concerns. People against legalizing marijuana on a federal level are generally convinced that crime will sky rocket if the drug made openly available. They believe use rates will increase significantly, as people who wouldn’t have used when it was illegal, take the plunge and start chasing the green dragon.

You know what would really skyrocket in this country if marijuana was legalized? Oreo sales and Planetarium memberships. Also, motor vehicle accidents would probably increase. On the upside, fatal car accidents would decrease, as the majority of the people involved in the marijuana related accidents would only be going five miles an hour at the time of impact.

I disagree with the idea that widespread marijuana use would cause an increase in crime. Instead, I propose it would actually cause a significant decrease in crime. Drug related crimes. In 2010 alone, over 750,591 people were arrested for non violent marijuana related offenses. Imagine if those resources had been available in solving violent crimes. In 2010, there were 14,748 murders, 84,767 rapes and 778,901 aggravated assaults. Personally, I would prefer that the cops work on solving those cases and leave the stoned teenagers hanging outside the convenience store alone.

I could go into the medicinal uses of marijuana, and point out that legal medications like Vicodin and Percocet pose a far larger threat, but I’m sleepy, and hungry and losing focus quickly. On the upside, I just fixed the economy, dramatically cut the crime rates and reduced prison overcrowding all in one night.

Who says stoners are lazy?

This guy I know in Tampa