Today, I spent six hours looking for a new PCP who could see me and my kid before Fall. Let me make this clear. I was just making phone calls and asking about accepting new patients. At no time did insurance ever come into the equation. I went through three pages of “recommended PCPs for you” from Blue Cross Blue/Shield before I could find someone willing to see me and my son in the month of July.
Meanwhile, I’ve been paying $400 per month for insurance since January. Yep, $400 a month to buy me some half-assed guesswork from some a-hole in a lab coat to see me sometime in September. But I beat the system because sometime in July, I’m traveling to the rough part of Sanford to get misdiagnosed by someone who’s dying to diagnose me with some kind of disorder that requires opiates. So they can get a kickback. Despite the fact that I am, and always have been, allergic to opiates.
That is the state of American healthcare.
I am a diehard capitalist starting to see the drawbacks of universal health care.
I take no medication. I have no chronic conditions. I do not require the regular intervention of a medical provider. I mainly request one single thing from my healthcare provider. Once a year, tell me if I’m dying or not. I feel like that kind of thing should cost no more than $50. Currently. I pay ten times as much. They’re turning something simple into a cash cow.
I liken it to a mistaken deal I just made with my kid. He’s 17 now, looking for his first job, so in the meantime, I offered a deal. $150 a week to cook meals and walk my dogs. By that, I meant simple. Give me some cut up hot dogs and mac and cheese every day and we’re kosher. But no, this motherfucker had to get fancy. Suddenly, I’m getting grocery lists for cilantro, and emulsified garlic and clarified butter, Also, I’m getting bothered, because no, my son can not cook all these fancy recipes by himself. He needs ME to show him how to emulsify garlic and clarify butter. And I’m like “what the fuck am I paying you for, motherfucker?”
My point is this. I know how to clarify butter. I know how to emulsify garlic. Me paying you to give me further guidance on subjects I’m already clear on is stupid. I’m paying you to do the things I don’t have time to do myself.
And the same goes for doctors. I know my heart palpitations are bad. I know my stomach cramps are not a good thing. I know that sometimes when I shit a little when I’m supposed to be farting, that is a frowny face.
I don’t need 37 consultations and a tube up my asshole to know that.
But that’s the state of healthcare today. We no longer trust ourselves. We no longer trust doctors and as a result, doctors no longer trust themselves. We’ve become incapable of diagnosing steak and potatoes because we’re looking for veal and cilantro in a lemon butter reduction.
But it all comes out the exact same shade of medium brown bullshit and somehow, I’m paying $4800 a year no matter what.