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Essa Alroc

Essa Alroc is an Orlando Florida based freelance writer and SEO design consultant who has written on so many topics, she feels arrogant enough to give her opinion on everything. Hence the whole “Essa on Everything” name.

She established Essa on Everything in 2010, shortly before she released her first novel, which was a Florida-based mystery. She maintains that being a Florida mystery writer gives her enough bizarre material to keep her writing well into her 90s, if she isn’t killed by a hurricane, an alligator or Ukrainian mobsters first.

While she’s waiting for her career as a mystery novelist to take off, she follows her second passion; the internet. Aside from being an award-winning humor and mystery writer, she’s also a search engine optimization expert who specializes in helping small business owners make the most of their websites. You can visit her business page at Orlando’s Write Words if you’re interested in seeing what she can do for your business. There is no niche she can’t handle.

During her free time, she indulges herself in trashy reality television, trying to get her dog to take her pills, and yelling at the news. She’s also a life-long learner, because the longer you go to school, the longer you can put off paying your student loans. She’s currently pursuing a Master’s Degree in Fine Arts.

Before you fill out the contact form, please take a few minutes to really consider why you need to reach out to her, and try the troubleshooting steps prior to making contact.

#1. Are you angry about something she’s written?

  • No (proceed to comment form)
  • Yes (go to questions 2)

#2. Did you read the article you’re about to complain about? (As opposed to just reading the title and finding a reason to get pissed, because you’re drunk, lonely and bitter)

  • No (proceed to article to prevent looking like an idiot)
  • Yes (proceed to question 3)

#3. Do you know how to use spell check, as well as how to turn your caps lock off?

  • No (retire from internet until you learn simple tasks a 3rd grader can do)
  • Yes (proceed to question 4)

#4. Are you going to be able to keep this under 200 words?

  • No (come on, man! It’s not like I get paid for this)
  • Yes (proceed to question 5)

#5. Have you tried turning Essa off, and then turning her back on again?

  • No (try it, seriously. I’m easy)
  • Yes (proceed to contact form)

27 thoughts on “Essa Alroc

  1. I usually fantasize about my cubicle being the pilot room of a zeppelin, so reading yours was quite terrifying. But once I distanced myself from the thought, it was actually really funny. Carry on.

  2. Drop me a quick line: heellisgoa (at) gmail (dot) com.

    I’ve got some interview questions for you if you’d like to answer them for a feature post I’d like to do for you on Sept. 27th. Thanks!

  3. Came across your blog today through Freshly Blessed and I must ask, “Where the hell were you hiding for the past 6 months?” I have been in search of blogs that make me laugh for such a long time now. You are hilarious and I just love your writing style. Following you immediately!

      • In all fairness, if I was a religious person, I’d call it Freshly Blessed too. My traffic has been crazy! But thanks so much and I hope you enjoy my site. I have no set posting schedule. I generally just write whenever something pisses me off. So you can probably expect a new post about, um, 7000 times a week. 🙂

  4. Ha I love it! Yelling at the news is always a fun past time, I do it often as well. You have some very interesting things to say.

  5. My daughter just introduced me to your blog today. You have a fabulous sense of humor. Just bought us both one of your books for Kindle today. I expect we will be thoroughly entertained. Thanks for writing something worth reading. I love it when people are straight shooters and you definitely are!

  6. Could you add the apology to good reads please. I loved it and I’d like to be able to review it. Thanks, can’t wait to read everything else you’ve written.

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  10. I just stumbled on your comments to Randall over on I-am-Tom-Nardone’s blog. Bravo, ma’am.

    You have a new reader… and accomplice, if you ever need help say… burying the bodies.
    Your sharp wit and sense of humor are simply AWESOME.

    I’m looking forward to reading your posts.

    • Thank you kindly. I enjoy writing blog posts, but I really enjoy getting into fights with trollers. 🙂 Trust me, you’ll see alot around here. Occasionally, I let one or two through to bloody up the waters and practice my sarcasm. 😉

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