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Lessons from Irma



I’m back again, having pulled myself out from under a pile of brush and empty Natty Ice cans, to recover from my most recent brush with death. Not talking about Hurricane Irma.

I’m talking about my bender.

I’m fine. Can’t say the same for my liver. If he could talk, he’d use his new-found voice to call Liver Protective Services and get placed with a foster caretaker who would abuse him slightly less.  But he can’t, so much like the toddler of a Florida meth-head mom, he’s stuck with me until they find some conclusive evidence at the hospital.

This was my first major Florida hurricane. I’ve been through a few small ones before, but nothing too scary. A bit like a Tindr date. A shit ton of build-up, a half-hearted blowjob and it’s over with minimal debris. Then came Irma. I learned a lot from Irma. Mainly, I learned that I can drink 47 beers in one night and not die. But I also learned some less important things to include;

#1 – AT&T sucks — but AT&T apologists suck even more

As my livelihood depends on having internet access, I was kind of worried as to when that access would be restored. Decided to check a forum, where a lot of people were bitching AT&T out. Then I got pissed. It wasn’t the not having service that bothered me.

It was the tight-lipped policy of all company representatives who refused to give a straight answer. Reminded me a bit of when they caught all them Catholic priests diddling kids and the Catholic church responded by saying “we’re still investigating what we think is an isolated incident. We’ll respond as soon as we’re possibly able.”

I fucking hate non-answer answers!

But even worse are the non-company affiliated high horse assholes who have to respond to every fucking comment. “Jeez, you’re living in a disaster zone! Try appreciating nature. Take your kid to a playground instead of worrying about streaming Netflix.”

First, most Florida playgrounds were blown North of the Mason-Dixon line. Next,  a hypocrite telling me to get off the internet while he’s using the internet is just irritating. I don’t owe you an explanation as to why I don’t want to go enjoy post-hurricane nature. It’s none of your business if my only end game is to finally binge-watch Season 7 of the Walking Dead (which it totally is). My beef ain’t with some random internet douchebag.

My beef is with a company that I pay to provide a service not being able to provide said service, while not providing answers on when that service will be restored. That puts the onus on me to decide whether I want to give them the benefit of the doubt and wait, or whether I want to sign on with a company whose cell towers aren’t made of balsawood.

So shut the fuck up and let them answer the questions. No one needs to hear from you. Why don’t you take some time off the internet and go appreciate nature instead? I hear there’s a lovely sewer overflow in Neptune you just have to see.

#2 The aftermath is worse than the storm

The aftermath is always worse than the storm because natural disasters are smart and people are complete idiots. That’s likely why so many tornados strike trailer parks.

Right now, Seminole county is rough. It’s hot, half the population doesn’t have electricity and people are morons who don’t know how to drive without traffic signals. It’s like they forgot everything they ever learned in driver’s ed. Just an FYI, if you’re ever at a Florida intersection and the lights are out due to a storm, there’s a simple way to determine the right of way.

It’s based on whoever is waving the largest gun.

#3 Reporters are idiots

Newscasters apparently have no sense of self-preservation. Through the storm, every channel was the same. Some windswept, soaking wet reporter shouting into a microphone “the police say it’s incredibly dangerous out here and no one should be on the road. That’s why they’ve barricaded it, but we managed to slip the News 17 van in to —” mike cuts out, fade to black.

How much you want to bet those same reporters, who apparently thought they were above the law, will complain about the lack of response time from first responders in some news special a week from now?

The only thing about them that annoyed me more was their aftermath interviews.

Picture it. A trailer park in Altamonte, waist-deep water, a sad man watching as all his possessions float down the street in a stagnant pool and out to the Atlantic. Some chick shoves a camera in his face.

“Sir, I see the aftermath is really bad. Tell me, how do you feel?”

Just once, I want someone to answer “How the fuck do you think I feel, you stupid bitch?”

# 4 Tethering is awesome

For me, one positive to come out of this storm is that I learned about tethering. I used to think my cell phone was only for playing Bubble Witch or texting randos pictures of my tits. Turns out, if you jailbreak it (rooting for Android users) you can turn it into a hot spot where you can use all that delightful unlimited cell phone data on your laptop, smart tv, whatever. It’s free!

I’m pretty sure it’s illegal but I don’t give a fuck. I’m living in a disaster zone, people. This is an emergency. Season 6 ended on a cliffhanger.




4 thoughts on “Lessons from Irma

  1. Given the average American’s inability to deal with any adversity, it’s a wonder martial law isn’t declared every time there’s a random thunderclap two counties over. And television reporters who stick microphones in the faces of people who have lost anything just to pose inane questions should be drowned like stray kittens.

  2. I’m certainly glad you and your son (and your frustrated liver) made it through the Irma onslaught that only someone with a carefree, kiss-my-ass mentality like you can muster! It always amazes me how people in these areas suddenly wait until nature zeroes in on them to rush to the stores to buy bottled water, generators, batteries, plywood and beer. I mean, you live in a hurricane zone! You shouldn’t you think of this shit beforehand?!

    I have a cousin who lives in a 1920s-era home in Houston and was on vacation in Montana, as Harvey started aiming for the Texas coast. He cut his vacation short by 2 days and returned to get his home set up for the meteorological madness. He already had: a generator, bottled water, MREs, batters, a firearm and plywood pre-cut to fit his windows. While his neighbors were rushing out at the last minute to get similar supplies, he was already set to go and sat down with some wine and cheese. Fortunately, his house didn’t flood.

    I’ve always gotten annoyed with “roving” reporters who just have to be in the thick of it. A thought I’ve had for years is to see one of those clowns in the midst of wind and rain and suddenly get slammed into a wall or through a plate glass window, when said wind and rain unexpectedly intensifies – as they often do in hurricanes. Then the back at the news desk will be forced to say, “We have had an anomaly.” Or, “It appears we’ve had technical difficulties with and will try to reconnect as soon as possible.”

    Several years ago, as wildfires approached million-dollar homes in a California forest area, a local man screamed, “We have to leave, but the fucking media gets to stay!” That was the first time I’d seen such an outburst on national TV, and I thought they need to show more of those reactions, so we can all see how the media often likes to ridicule people in distress.

    Ultimately, there’s no safe place on planet Earth from nature’s wrath. Every once in a while, it has to act up and put humanity back in its place. Here in Northeast Texas we have to deal with tornadoes, hailstorms, flash floods and distracted drivers. I’m not a hardcore survivalist, but I do plan for these things. Whenever the power has gone out, I worry about my 84-year-old mother’s welfare and the wine and cheese in the frig. I mean, priorities, right?

    Please keep us updated on how things go with the recovery out there, Essa!

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