Home » Uncategorized » In Regards to My OFFICIAL NOTICE OF TRASH VIOLATION


I am filled with deep shame. I came home to learn I had violated the Trash Code of Conduct and had been singled out as part of a special Trash Control Task Force (Or TCTF for short) when it was noted that I’d committed the following offense;


Side note; this is the place where I once saw a fully nude man, but for a pair of sneakers, attempt to burn his girlfriend’s apartment building down. And this was not the first, nor the last time outdoor nudity was fully embraced by my delightful Florida neighbors.

But that is no excuse for my behavior and I am suitably ashamed of my box. Despite my usual cleanliness with it, during the winter months I have a tendency to let it get out of control.

All sexually charged apologies aside, I did need some clarification on a few of the items in the OFFICIAL NOTICE OF TRASH VIOLATION. Please clarify the following;

  • Always use your trash can

Every single day, all the time? Seems a little impractical to carry that large box around everywhere I go, but hey I’ll slap some straps on it and carry it as a backpack. So my questions are; do you have any straps, and does the box come in blue?

  • Blue bags are for recycling only

All the blue bags? Complete autonomy on all my box and bag related activities seems a bit excessive for the cost of $25 per month, especially seeing I’ve never recycled in my life. I mean you aren’t my mother, stop attempting to control my life.  I have no desire to recycle my blue bags but if you have a blue trash can/backpack, I’ll trade you.

  • Trash must not weigh more than 25 pounds

What about my large gemstone collection that I’ve grown bored with? I suppose I will have Jeeves take it to my personal vault. My question here is; How rich do you think I am that I have at least 25 pounds of stuff to throw away? What do you think I do in here, run a bakery/meth lab?

  • Always tie and bag your trash

That seems too harsh. Can I gently caress it into submission instead?

  • Not really a question but an observation: Place your trash out between 5 and 7 pm

Technically we were within the guidelines, because I distinctly remember placing the garbage out at 5 AM on Thursday, before it was picked up promptly at 7 PM on Sunday.

Finally, you guys left an area open for comments so I did have one observation I wanted to add. Have you ever noticed, when faced with a really aggressive bee, it feels like it’s singled you out for attack specifically? Like it’s a fully sentient being out for revenge, because maybe you killed its bee grandfather 20 years ago? Doesn’t that creep you out? I friggen hate bees.


5 thoughts on “In Regards to My OFFICIAL NOTICE OF TRASH VIOLATION

  1. Sounds like whoever filled out that “field observation” report has way too much time on their hands. If I were you I’d do my best to make sure they earn whatever blood money they receive. It would be unfortunate, for example, if their garbage can were to somehow get slathered in human/animal waste. And that would certainly qualify as a “Trash Violation.” I hate busybodies.

  2. Infants and children are probably starving to death in that same apartment complex, but the trash-watchers are on full alert? I feel your pain, sister! Last time I showed up at someone’s front door naked they were pissed I didn’t bring chocolates. Some people are just so damn hard to please!

  3. I’m a dork. …how do I subscribe to your blog? Stumbled upon it and love it! But am blog illiterate

    • Hi Shauna, I just got an email that you’ve successfully subscribed, so you should receive an email every time I publish something new…which has been pitifully infrequent as of late. Thanks for the kind thoughts. 🙂

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