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A few signs you’re not ready for a giant dog

The littleness of my dog makes me live in fear every time we go outside. I fear hawks mistaking her for a rabbit. I fear her getting her tiny dog legs stuck in a sewer grate. But most of all, I fear giant dogs thinking she’s a chew toy.

sophia

 

Now, I didn’t get a little dog because I have a preference for little dogs. I got a little dog because I don’t have the time, energy and resources to care for a big dog. As a responsible pet owner, I think the first step to that responsibility is recognizing your limitations when it comes to buying a pet.

And there are a fuckton of people out there who don’t take that first step.

So, in my ongoing crusade to help everyone do everything better all of the time, here are some signs that you can’t handle a big dog.

You live in a one bedroom apartment

If your dog takes up more than 25% of the square footage of your living space, you’ve gone too big. No joke people, that’s like putting a yacht into a swimming pool. Of course shit is going to get ripped up! The solution is not to compact his space even further by leaving him on your fucking porch all day while you’re at work. That’s just a dick move, not just to the dog, but to the neighbor next door who has to listen to him whimper all day.

I can’t handle that. I’m one of those assholes who cries at those Sarah McLachlan ASPCA commercials.

The dog outweighs you by 100 pounds or more

I have a rule that I never date or own anything capable of kicking my ass in a fight. That’s a good rule as it saves me from regularly getting my ass kicked.

What can I say? I’m very annoying.

This morning I saw a tiny Asian woman trying to walk something that looked like a hybrid between a sheepdog and a moose. Only it didn’t look like she was walking him. It looked like the dog was flying a kite shaped like a small Asian woman. This bitch was flapping in the breeze, clinging to the leash for dear life as her dog dragged her down the street, running faster than the top speed of your average Prius.

This is not a good way to show your pet who the alpha is.

You’ve never owned anything that actually requires training

If you’re upgrading from a turtle to a Leonberger, you’re doing it wrong.

Look, I’m going to openly admit that my little dog, she’s not trained. Sure, she’s housebroken, but she ignores anything I tell her to do, begs for food, watches me pee, and regularly tries to have sex with my pillow.

But that’s no big deal because she weighs 9 pounds. Even though plan A failed, and she’s completely untrainable, I still have a plan B.

Pick her up.

That’s it. All I have to do to get her to stop doing what she’s doing is pick her up. This strategy works whether she’s tossing licentious looks at my body pillow, all the way to if I think she’s about to bite someone.

You can’t do that with a big dog.

So when we’re at the dog park, and you, for some inexplicable reason, have decided to let your untrained 170 pound Siberian Fucking Moosehound run wild, all your assurances in the world that “he doesn’t always listen, but he’s friendly!” mean shit to me when he’s sizing up my Sophia like she’s a god damn chew toy.

In short, if your big dog does not immediately stop what it’s doing when you say the words ‘sit’ or ‘stay’ it is your responsibility to society to keep them away from other people (and adorable little dogs — especially mine) until they do.

Recognize the fact that there have been 325 dog related fatalities in the US in the last ten years, and 350,000 people visit emergency rooms for dog bites annually. My point is that the vast majority of those owners whose dog attacked someone probably thought their dog was friendly too.

But then it wasn’t.

If you must have a dog, but don’t have even a remote understanding of training, go small. You never hear of a five pound Yorkie ripping someone’s throat out.  Sure, they might eat their owner’s face after they’re already dead, but there’s a difference.

But if you don’t want to go little, and choose to have a large dog, or a vicious breed, you have a responsibility to society to ensure that dog is trained. That is all there is to it.

I guess my point to this whole post is dogs aren’t god damn impulse buys. They’re not a keychain you can pick up at the convenience store and then return when they don’t suit you. They’re a major adjustment and that adjustment goes up with every single pound the dog gains. So before you head on out and get a giant dog, consider your limitations. Because that kind of responsibility weighs on you.

Literally.

 

 

 

 

7 thoughts on “A few signs you’re not ready for a giant dog

  1. Funny, great read, – I had not checked you blog in awhile, great new pic too-
    Trained? that’s essential ( I realize the little dogs get picked up when they misbehave, not trained, and then they breed and pass that shit behavior down) Here’s the essence brought down to the gene level – many large dogs can be trained because,– The trainable ones passed their intelligence and gentle good habits down- ((( man I hate having to write this)) When a bad large dog threatens anyone – owner or neighbor , they get taken out somewhere and shot. Vulture dinner.. Of course little dogs can be adorable, loyal. Please do your best to train them well.

  2. I have a 22-pound miniature schnauzer with a Rottweiler attitude. He’s the meanest little fucker on 4 legs I’ve ever known! We used to have a 100-pound German shepherd; that monster dog wasn’t nearly as loud or mean as this one. He has curious habits: he gets hysterical when I set up the ironing board and tries to do an alligator death roll when I need to brush him. He lets the groomer pick him up, but he gets all Cujo on me, if I try to do the same. Regardless, I’d rather have him, or most any dog, in my life than a romantic relationship. At least a dog appreciates you just for being you and doesn’t expect you to tell them how good they look.

      • I have no idea. I only do that the day after I give him a bath, when his fur gets long. Getting him into the tub is a challenge unto itself. I have to trick him into going out the front door and let him walk around just so I can get the collar on him. Then I can drag him into the bathroom; he won’t go in there on his own, even if I have hold up a treat. I adopted him from a friend nearly 13 years ago. He had a miniature schnauzer that he had to put to sleep, before he got this one. That old dog would just stand there and let him brush him. Wolfgang used to do okay with the hair brushing, as well as the tooth brushing, but now he goes ballistic. He’s been banned from 2 Petcos. The current groomer has to muzzle him just to trim his nails. I think it’s that small dog attitude. Like some people, they don’t realize how small they are and make up for it by being mean and loud.

  3. I have never had a small dog. But then I have lived in houses all my adult life, houses with lots of space for dogs, cats and other animals. I have been most fortunate. I was raised with big dogs and the understanding of how to train them to act properly. Again, I have been most fortunate. I was also raised to understand my responsibility as a dog owner. My current dog is a rescue dog, while very sweet of temperament she is difficult. She is an escape artist, constantly finding ways out of the backyard. We all think she was abused, she cringes if she hears a raised voice, not raised at her simply raised.

    In my lifetime I have had wonderful dogs including both purebloods and mixed. They are work, they are commitment and they are wonderful companions.

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