Home » Angry Rants » Explaining Libertarianism To People Who Think I’m An Anarchist

Explaining Libertarianism To People Who Think I’m An Anarchist

 

I’m not, by the way. An anarchist, that is. But I am a libertarian. That one usually gets me a few odd looks. People assume I’m some kind of conspiracy nut who claims the moon landing was faked and the government is watching my every move. They assume I’m in a militia, or inches away from joining one and that I don’t believe in paying taxes period.

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A lot of people believe I’m anti-American. Just an FYI, I spent four years as an enlisted soldier in the armed services…doing paperwork for people who can run much faster, and shoot far better than I.

Hey, I never claimed to be athletic.

Being a libertarian does not mean I’m anti-government. It does not mean that I’m anti-taxation or believe that my apartment should be declared a sovereign nation. It just means this.

I want the government to intrude into my life as little as possible.

I believe that a very small government should be in place to provide essential government services. I’ll happily hand over my tax money, provided it’s spent for a good reason, that reason being it benefits society as a whole and not just one person. Such services include public roadways, law enforcement and making sure my food contains less than 0.0001% random dead rat parts per million.  Were our government to just spend our tax money on these items, I believe that the people in these departments would have all the funding they need.

Here are the things I don’t believe in. Private corporate lobbyists, the electoral college, welfare, and private corporate welfare. I believe that you should be responsible for yourself. It’s a harsh stance, but a pure one. I don’t believe one individual should be held responsible for the health and well-being of another individual they didn’t give birth to. I don’t believe I should be forced to spend money to subsidize parties at political conventions. I don’t believe I should be required to pay for hair care services for the US senate or for Mrs. Obama’s image consultant.

In short, you want luxury, pay for it on your own dime.

That luxury includes having kids. Yes, I get that you’re working at the quick stop, have eight kids and can’t afford to put food on the table…but at no time at all did I sneak into your apartment with a turkey baster and artificially inseminate you. You made your life choices and you should be responsible for taking care of them. It is not ok to put your life choices on my shoulders.

Yeah, I got knocked up unexpectedly too, so I did the smart thing and went to college while working full time so I could do what I wanted with my life without having to answer to anyone.  That allowed me entrance into the middle class, where I’m able to support my family on my own, again, without answering to anyone. And no, I don’t believe a parade should be held for me. The pedestal the single mother is put on annoys me in the same way that I get irritated when the crowd cheers on Maury after a dude who just learned “he is the daddy” announces he’s going to take care of his kids.

Why the fuck does he get applause for that? It’s what you’re supposed to do.

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The next thing I believe in is free market. I believe as long as the item cannot commit mass genocide with the pressing of a button, it should be available for sale with no government intervention. So do I believe you should be able to buy a nuclear warhead on eBay? No.

But I do believe you should be able to buy a kilo of coke and all the hookers you want to snort it off with minimal government intervention? You’re god damn right I do.

I know my belief in the free drug trade might sound extreme, but to that I say this. I really cannot comprehend the ridiculousness of a society where heroin is illegal, but several direct derivatives of heroin are available with a prescription. How does that happen?

Lobbyists. Turns out drugs are only bad when Pfizer doesn’t hold the patent.

As a libertarian, I believe in one thing. Personal responsibility. As long as I’m not hurting anyone, I should be able to do what I want. I take care of the kids I chose to have, and pay the taxes I need to pay to provide valuable services to society as a whole.

And Mitt Romney needs to go to Supercuts to get his hair did just like the rest of us.

5 thoughts on “Explaining Libertarianism To People Who Think I’m An Anarchist

  1. I vote libertarian in every election. Hope the libertarians can get 5% of the vote. They will then qualify for matching federal funds. I know, that is not really a libertarian platform, but you have to play the game by the rules in place. Totally agree with you. You are the shit!

  2. Oh my God, Essa! You’re NOT an anarchist! I’m disappointed. But I side with you on everything you stated. I’ll be super-pissed if what little tax refund I get next year is swiped to pay for the Affordable Care Act. I support affordable health care for everyone. But not at MY expense! I’ve long since supported the legalization of marijuana, but I also believe cocaine should be legalized where it can be taxed and regulated like alcohol and tobacco. Cocaine is native to the Americas and was used by Indigenous Peruvians for strictly medicinal purposes.

    And, as always, thanks for serving in the U.S. military. I still damn myself for not doing something like that. But I was too afraid my dad really would disown me if I did.

    Keep fighting and keep writing!

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