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Dating Advice for the Undateable

If you’re like me, then you’re probably 100% undatable. There’s lots of reasons for being undateable. You could be really ambitious, really busy, or possibly a serial killer with a penchant for killing prostitutes. It doesn’t matter. No judgement here. We all have our vices.

Anyway, it comes to mind that the undateable just don’t have a lot of advice aimed at them. Sure, there’s plenty of advice for men, or advice for women out there, advice for divorced, advice for lesbians, gays, jeez, there’s even advice for people who like to dress up as teddy bears and do it.

But there’s no dating advice for the hopelessly updatable, like me. At least there wasn’t, until now.

#1. Respond to texts.

If you’re like me, every time you get a text from someone, you groan. You’re not big into texting, maybe because you can’t spell, maybe like me you have giant clumsy sausage fingers. Whatever, you need to start responding.

Let me introduce you to your new best friend. Autofill. Those are the little words that come up above your keyboard and I now use only those words I’m given to write messages. It saves a lot of time. Sometimes it works, sometimes, you just gotta go with what it gives you.

funny autocorrect message

So yeah, doesn’t always work, but I’m sure he’ll figure it out…actually, now that I think about it, that probably sounds like a euphemism for making porn.

#2. Online dating is not your friend when you’ve been drinking.

Sure, it starts off, you have a nice glow about you, and you’re charmingly sipping your wine as you flirt with handsome strangers. Then, about 3 hours in, you’ve downed a bottle, started pounding beers and you’re sweating like an angry wildebeest as you get increasingly bitter. You are now a minefield ready to explode. Sure enough, the next a-hole who sends you another message with just the word ‘hi’ is getting told off. The downward spiral of online fighting with strangers has begun.

I’m a big proponent of a company figuring out how to add breathalyzers to laptops in order to prevent the wi-fi from connecting if you’re above the legal limit. Same with phones. The person who figures that out is gonna be a fucking millionaire.

The best online advice I can give when dating is stay sober…or at the very most mildly buzzed.

#3. Learn online dating diplomacy.

In a perfect world, we would all be able to say whatever we want and have people get our jokes, but sometimes strangers aren’t like that. They’re all sensitive and shit. You have to watch your sarcasm, even if the person just gave you the perfect set up. This, for example, is wrong.

bad facebook message

Look, I couldn’t resist a setup that good, but I do actually know the guy. It’s not like that was our first message.  So learn diplomacy with your messages and occasionally resist the urge to go with the joke. It helps alot.

I have the benefit of knowing I’m undatable, so I can tell you what to avoid. I know myself well enough to know where I screw up and those screwups also involve getting loaded and removing my verbal filter. Knowing that I’m undateble makes it easy to come up with a solution.

Mine? Switch to weed and get addicted to Spanish Telenovelas. My current fave is La Reina del Sur. My only complaint is that they always seem to be playing Mariachi music, but that could just be my racist white person brain.

Oh yeah, being racist also makes you undateable…unless you find one of those kkk love connection websites (like ancestry.com).

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