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Essa Creates a Religion…or Maybe a Cult

I’ve never been a particularly religious person. That’s probably because every major religion I’ve ever looked into (with the exception of Wicca, which I just find strange) tends to treat women more like accessories than people. Those of us without dangly bits are expected to make babies, clean houses and listen to men.

I hate babies. I haven’t cleaned anything since 1996, and judging from my hate mail, most men are far too stupid to be worth listening to. To me, being a religious woman is a lot like being a black Republican. I just don’t get it.

But I feel like I’m missing out. Aside from having an imaginary friend to talk to, free spaghetti suppers, and unlimited bingo nights, I’m also missing out on those sweet, sweet tax incentives.

So I’m creating a new religion. It’s called Agnostic Apathy. Our main creed will be as follows.

“The only people who know what happens after you die are dead people. So we should all worry about what happens after we’re dead when we’re actually dead.”

Of course, a platform of apathy is no platform at all (literally) so here are some guidelines to help you all live a pure and godly Agnostic Apathist lifestyle.

#1 – Every religion needs a book, but I don’t feel like writing one. It’s probably the apathy.  So our bible will default to my favorite book “Valley of the Dolls.” There are many valuable life lessons to be learned in “Valley of the Dolls”, including;

  • Never mix amphetamines with sedatives. You’ll break even and ruin your buzz.
  • If you catch your possibly gay husband sleeping with your assistant in your cabana, make sure to disinfect your pool with plenty of rum
  • Suicide attempts are a great way to earn public sympathy and movie roles
  • All your friends will eventually turn on you if enough money is involved.

I’m sure that there are a lot more life lessons to be had in “Valley of the Dolls,” but I’m a bit too buzzed to look them up. That’s because I’m following one of “Valley of the Dolls’” best life lessons of all.

There is no problem so big that alcohol can’t fix it.

#2 – Every religion needs a god to pray to. That’s why I’ve decided to cut out the Hollywood middleman and start praying to Morgan Freeman.


Morgan Freeman is a great messiah. He’s friendly, yet stern. He has a delightful speaking voice. And he knows a lot of penguin trivia. As an added benefit, he’s played the role of god like 400 times, so he has experience.

#3 – Door to door recruiting is encouraged. Not a lot of credible ‘non-crazy’ religions go door-to-door trying to recruit new members. Think about it. When was the last time you opened your door to a bunch of Hasidic Jews who wanted to discuss the Torah with you?

That’s because the Hasidic Jews already have a fan following. The newer, wackier religions don’t. But they also don’t have a good marketing policy. It’s my understanding that the Jehovahs and the Mormons both have a standard script and procedure manual for door knocking. So I’ve created my own, and it’s going to be much more effective, using an easy step-by-step method.

  1. Get loaded. It’s so much easier to talk to people when you’re loaded.
  2. Bring beer.
  3. Knock on the door.
  4. Use a powerful greeting that will get your prospect’s attention. I recommend “What’s up, bitches? Can I interest you in some free beer?”
  5. Get prospect extremely intoxicated.
  6. Ask for money

I’m estimating at least a 90% success rate with that method, as opposed to the 0.005% success rate of other door knockers.

Suck it, Mormons.

#4 – We’re going to borrow the stuff I actually like from other religions.

Jews, nice call on the ‘no hell’ thing. Of course, it doesn’t make up for the big thing you got wrong; i.e. killing Jesus. But it’s still a good idea.

Catholics, I love the heavy focus on wine.    Of course, I imagine the ratio of kid diddling to priest goes up significantly once everyone is buzzed, so let’s remember to drink responsibly.

Muslims…um…ahhh? No booze, smoking or bacon? And for all that, I get virgins in the afterlife? Why the hell would I want virgins? They have no idea what they’re doing! Sorry bros, you can keep the Quran. It kind of sounds like a downer.

Wiccans, I dig the clothes. They’re very forgiving, which I need after all that Catholic wine drinking. Sure the earth worship thing makes you all look like nutjobs, but at least you look sexy and bohemian when you do it.

Buddhists, your messiah is a giant brown baby. I love it! Note to all, correction on the Morgan Freeman thing. Our messiah will now be played by a giant brown baby, narrated by Morgan Freeman.

If I missed any other major religions, you should know I just didn’t care enough to look you up on Wikipedia. Sorry.

Ok, I’ve put a lot of work into this new religion. By work, I mean I drank four beers and spent an hour insulting as many people as I could. In my world that’s work. So I’m hopeful people will get on board. If you’re interested in becoming a member, there is only one important thing you have to do.

Bring beer.


7 thoughts on “Essa Creates a Religion…or Maybe a Cult

    • fuck no! Sunday is our official hangover day. Laying on the couch and binge watching television is required. Preferably a version of Law & Order, but do what you feel….so sayeth Morgan Freeman

  1. Hey, Ess. I am kinda slow here. Where exactly is the insult in this article?
    Anyhow, I just don’t get it.

  2. Actually Wicca – like most Native American ideologies – places women on equal levels with men. I left the Roman Catholic Church some 25+ years ago, specifically because of its mistreatment of women who make up more than half of the world’s 1 billion or so Catholics. The Catholic Church has been alarmed in recent years by the number of people in Latin America who are forsaking Catholicism for evangelical Christianity, which is sort of like going from prostitution to drug dealing; it’s not exactly a promotion, but more of a lateral move.

    That’s great you’re developing your own alcohol-based religion, Essa. Just don’t go all Jim Jones on us, though, because that’d be a terrible waste of Kool-Aid.

  3. I am a proponent of David Eagleman’s “Possibilianism,” which I refer to as proactive agnosticism. But there is certainly something to be said for apathetic agnosticism. This is sort of a cousin of the absurdist views of Camus. As in, I don’t know and I don’t really care. It’s not relevant in my life.

  4. Choice words girl, but as someone else mentioned, no insult.
    I gotta tell this story just one more time. This is the way I would write it – no real proof. A young lady took a trip to Chicago from South Dakota and ran face first into a Zuit – suited man. (once in a while he would wear one of his old suits while preaching) Hair slicked back parted in the middle, his car had suicide doors. She gave him her phone number ( he was soo charismatic / charming / masculine with his big gun and bullshit) The “Heat” ran him outta Chicago and he contacted her saying he was a Pentacostal Minister. They were run out of South Dakota and proceeded to Kansas where the Bible belt was alive and well, good people, just gullible. Soon he was invading the OLD FOLKS HOMES with “sign your property deeds over to the church”
    His best moment — “Nixon is Gods chosen one” WTF OH, OH God Fucked UP.

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