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The 2014 Year End Review



God, it’s a bitch to write these things sober. That’s one notable thing I’ve noticed about 2014. I spent a significant amount of it heavily intoxicated. The rest of the time was spent deleting Facebook and Twitter posts made while intoxicated.

Does that mean I’m quitting my drinking and illicit drug use entirely? Fuck no. I’m just cutting back until my ass shrinks down a size or two…same with my liver.

Luckily I do remember enough of the high points of 2014 to review them. So let’s get started.

#1 – I started writing porn

Yeah people, the girl who couldn’t write a sex scene two years ago now makes her living predominantly on books that are nothing more than extended sex scenes. I published my first porn book in 2014, saw 100 sales in a day, and decided to totally sell out.

As a result, my books under the pen name Essa Alroc have fallen by the wayside. So this is my solemn vow. I will publish enough porn this year so that I can go back to writing the books that don’t sell. I actually have two in the works. It’s just, when faced with the option of writing a book that sells, over one that I’m actually proud of, I’ll choose the one that sells every time.

I never denied the fact that I am a complete literary whore. If you’re curious, my porn is under the name Charlene McSuede. Now go look it up and be embarrassed for both of us.

#2 – I went viral

But not in that bad way, like the time I gave everyone at work ringworm. Nope, in the good way where my rantings got shared with a shitload of people, multiple times. I didn’t see an increase in book sales, but I did see an increase in hate mail…which is good, because my hate mail page needed to be updated.

#3 – My overall hate mail went down significantly, while my weird mail went up.

Last year, I was mainly getting messages that told me what a dumb cunt I am. This year, I’m getting messages offering this dumb cunt plane tickets to come visit, promising me money or asking for pictures of my feet.

People, this is not one of those web cam model pages. I don’t want your money (mainly because I am entirely convinced it will be covered in human secretions) but also because I’m not a beggar. I’m doing ok. This is not a Go Fund Me page. I fund myself and I’m good. You want to give to charity, adopt one of those black kids Sally Struthers used to bitch about. You want to do me a solid?

Send weed.

#4 – I made an attempt to home school my kid.

Me and Logan tried it out this year, mainly because of how much I change home bases. It seemed unfair to keep making him move, so I offered homeschooling.

Result? After the first few ‘social studies’ lessons, that mainly involved me getting wasted, showing up in his room at 2 am and spending four hours ranting about the government, Logan said to me, “mom, I think I want to go back to regular school.”

Hey, at least we tried.

All in all, 2014 was a good year. It wasn’t great. It was like one of those filler episodes in a soap opera, where nothing really happens, but they need to advance the plot. That leads me to believe all the crazy shit is going to happen in 2015.

I’m writing my porn with a publisher now and I’m making sales, because let’s be honest, you motherfuckers are perverts. With any luck, I’ll finish my first series, start my second and James Franco will want to make a movie out of it, then get into a huge fight with North Korea, thereby making me go more viral than I already am (and I’m not talking ringworm, people).

I didn’t make the New York Times bestsellers list this year, but I could hardly expect to. I spent it writing spank fodder. With the exception of EL James, spank fodder doesn’t really lend itself to a lot of bookclubs.

But 2015 is going to be a big year for me. I already feel it. Maybe I’ll write some bestselling porn. Maybe it will be one of my real books that actually gets more than 4 sales a month. Either way, I’ll spend 2015 writing and not in a cubicle.

Who could ask for anything more?


4 thoughts on “The 2014 Year End Review

  1. Two questions:
    1. Why, the FUCK, are you sober?
    2. When you send me the photos of your feet, will I see that your second toes (the ones that stayed home) are longer than your big toes (because that kinda creeps me out)?

    Seriously, though, congrats on the writing success. I think I read somewhere long ago where they interviewed some actor about why he took some shitty roles at times, and he replied “It’s work.” I’m sure your porn is well-done porn, and it’s a paycheck.

    Except for time with my kid and some laughs with some friends, 2014 sucked, ass, raw.

    • actually, my second toes are WAY longer than my big toes…like there is at least a half an inch difference…hence the reason I do not do foot porn. 😉 I agree, it’s creepy as hell.

      May your 2015 be better than your 2014. Rock on. 🙂

  2. Just discovered you like 20 minutes ago.I am a fair bit pleased.Hahahaha…Ha…erm.I just have one name to throw your way lady…Anais Nin.Ok? Write your poarney drivs.Heck,you may acquire timeless acclaim!Please keep smoking cigarettes for me because I quit today(Har),but I live in Soot Land,I mean LA where non smokers, just breathing,are smoking several packs a day.I guess I’m just tired of wheezing quietly in bed at night.Im feeling pretty defensive about it already and fairly ‘ball less'(yah,like who can spell ball less?).Ok,so you are brilliant.Yeay you.I will enjoy reading your stuff on bloglovin right next to recipes for asparagus quiche and fairie blossom closet organizing( I am a girl after all) Thanks for making me happy for 15 sarcasm filled minutes.So often I just want to smash stuff…but in a nice way,ya know? Love and light yo

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