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In the Next Year – An Essa Birthday Special

Today I turned 34. Now I must say my life is a lot better at 34 than it was at 24. Based on the fact that my happiness seems to double every 10 years, I’m pretty sure being 44 will kick ass.

But I need to put some plans in place if I want to make it to 44. So as my demographic changes from the ‘young persons box’ to the ‘adult’ box, I have made the following changes.

I will stop cyber stalking people that piss me off.

Seriously, there is nothing more I like in the world than starting a fight. Unfortunately, those fights seem to suck up a lot of my time. I mean, what’s more interesting? Writing a 700 world article on the benefits of RLSA in a paid search advertising campaign, or hunting down a hate mailer’s personal details and posting all his info on Craigslist with a discreet request for some hardcore S&M man-on-man action? Can you blame me for being immature and choosing the latter?

But I am a professional and I need to spend more time actually working as opposed to pretending to work while I hunt some poor internet douchebag down so I can call him at home at 3 am…14 times in a row. Jesus, I have got to stop drinking.

I will stop drinking…so much

I’m pretty sure I have 4 out of 7 of the early signs of liver failure. On the upside, I’m losing weight like crazy. 6 pounds in a week? Most cancer patients on chemo can’t brag about that much. It’s easy to lose weight when your diet consist of hops, barely and disdain.

So I will stop drinking so much. I will do the responsible thing.

I’ll switch to marijuana.

I will be less afraid of bugs

I have had the same dead roach on my bathroom floor for the past few days, because I’m afraid of picking it up. I’m not sure if it’s dead. To anyone who has ever dealt with a roach, you know the second you pick that thing up to throw it away, it starts twitching around and freaks you the fuck out. Seriously, they’re like the terminator. Just DIE already.

I’ll publish enough to live on my book sales.

Right now, I can live on the royalties alone. Hell, I sold 1509 books in the month of May, but that will taper off. I’m planning on living on my royalties for the summer while I expand my catalog. Expect to see the end of the Strangely Sober series in July, as well as the beginning of the Blue Suede series in August. Then expect my lazy ass to take a few months off while I roll around in a giant pile of money.

I’ll start brushing my hair again

Yeah, I haven’t in weeks and I don’t even have cute white girl dreadlocks anymore. Instead, my hair has congealed into a tennis ball sized mass at the back of my head. Before you call me out on my lack of grooming, you need to understand what it is to be a Floridian.

Namely, the second you step out of your shower, you already start to sweat and feel dirty again. Something like that will really kill your motivation to look pretty. Your only goal becomes preventing yourself from dissolving into a ball of humid goo. Hair-brushing tends to take second place.

That doesn’t work as well when your hair reaches your waist. So either I’ll start brushing it, or I’ll just get drunk and cut it all off, but either way, I will make a decision.

It’s amazing to me how much the past few years have changed my life. I haven’t seen the inside of a cubicle in two years and I’ve been avoiding my student loan officer for the same amount of time. I’ve gained a fan following, gained a following of anti-fans and might even have a hate site by now. I’ve written 6 books, pissed off men, pissed off women, pissed off everyone in my home town, learned how to buy weed on the internet and learned how to tie a cherry stem into a knot with my tongue.

I have a feeling that 34 is going to be a kick ass year.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

10 thoughts on “In the Next Year – An Essa Birthday Special

  1. Happy Belated Birthday, Essa! You don’t a look a day over 31! Seriously, though, congratulations on all your success. I eagerly look forward to your rants and raves. Keep up the good work. The world needs more truth tellers like us!

    • That they do and thanks for the compliment. I’m turning into one of the gushy ladies who nearly kisses convenience store clerks when they card her. Even a cyborg like me is not completely immune to flattery. 😉

      • I got carded about a year ago when I bought a jug of wine at Target. The cashier – a little gal who probably still had the wheels on her training bra – said, “Wow! You don’t look that old!” Then, she almost shit; she was so embarrassed. I just laughed. She apparently thought my few gray hairs were color highlights.

    • Thank you kindly. I used my birthday as an excuse to lay on the couch and day drink, but now my friends are forcing me to leave the house for an actual party. I reluctantly agreed, on the condition that I could wear a velour sweatsuit.

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