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A Brief (and Incredibly Inaccurate) Explanation of Easter

I love holidays. I love every last one of them, right down to Arbor Day and the Jewish New Year. I just like any day that is special, and gives me an excuse to day drink.

Of course, whenever a religious holiday comes along, as a parent, it is my duty to explain these holidays to my son. While I’m great with the biggies, Christmas, Halloween, etc., I kind of blow once the story gets involved. And Easter is a bit of a convoluted story in the Catholic Church.

So I do what any good parent would do when their kid asks them questions they don’t know the answer to. I fucking wing it.

Son: Mom, what do we celebrate Easter?

Me: Because Jesus comes back.

Son: Doesn’t that mean Armageddon?

Me: No, Armageddon would only happen if Jesus came back at the same time as his evil twin, the Anti-Christ.

Son: Jesus has an evil twin?

Me: Sure, deep down, everyone has an evil twin. That’s what Easter is all about.

Son: So what’s with the eggs?

Me: Jesus is allergic. I think it’s passage Luke 24: 35, where the angel announces Jesus has risen. Right before everyone starts singing “Jesus Christ; Superstar”, the angel announces to the women at the tomb that Jesus he isn’t in the tomb anymore and gives them instructions for his return. “He is risen, just as he said…Now hide those damn eggs. Jesus can be a real diva and if he sees any eggs in his green room, we’ll hear about it from his agent.” Then, everyone does a big dance number.


Son: (a look of pure skepticism)

Me: What?

Son: Fine, whatever. What’s with all the flat bread?

Me: Yeast makes Jesus gassy. He actually has a large list of dietary restrictions.

Son: I should probably Google this so I don’t sound like an idiot, huh?

Me: I think that would be a wise decision.


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