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Your Unflattering Horoscope

I’ll admit it, I read my horoscope. Despite the way some people sneer at them, I think that there is a certain amount of science that goes into astrology. If you really think about it, we are nothing more than cells in a constant state of motion. The positioning of the other planets in our solar system has a direct impact on the gravitational pull of our planet. So who’s to say that those very specific changes in gravitational pull couldn’t have a direct effect on our cells that are already constantly in motion?

I never rule anything out until I see some direct scientific evidence that it isn’t true. That has made me more open minded than an incredibly scientific person, and a shitload smarter than a staunchly religious person. And I think there is something to be said for astrology.

For example, I am a Gemini. One of the things that defines Gemini’s (aside from being incredibly charming and attractive…can’t argue with that) is that fact that we have massively conflicting internal personalities. Our sign is the twins, meaning that we have a habit of being two people in one body. I would generally consider that bullshit, but it fits.

Especially considering my bipolar diagnosis. That is the general reason that on one day, you’re getting jokes about me wandering through a convenience store stoned, and on another, you’re reading a post that sounds suspiciously like my suicide note.  No joke, I mood swing faster than a menopausal woman on steroids.

The problem with horoscopes is that they are too optimistic. They never really point out flaws or warn you of horrible things. Instead, every day is allegedly going to be the best, most productive day of your life. I think if horoscopes threw in a bit more warning, we would all take them a lot more seriously.

So I’ve taken what I know of astrology, and rewritten all of your star signs in a much more realistic way. Enjoy.


Aries – March 21st – April 19th           

You are a pain in the ass. For some unknown reason, you always have this ridiculous need to be in charge. You can ruin any event, simply by trying to organize it to death. You are the asshole at the beach party who makes everyone play Frisbee, when we all just want to lay on beach blankets and drink beers.

This week, you will be annoyed at work and become convinced that everyone who works with you is an idiot. You will take on a project that is far too big for you to handle and work an 80 hour week in order to get it done. Then, you will present it proudly to your boss. He will praise you for about 30 orgasmic seconds…and then give the promotion you wanted to his son.

Taurus – April 20th – May 20th

You are a sleazy slime ball of a human being who wants all the rewards with none of the work.  Your ambition far outweighs your intelligence and the only thing you are really good at is manipulating people. Of all people you admire, Bernie Madoff is number 1.

This week, you will get that call from the FCC that you have been dreading. You will hire an equally sleazy attorney, who is also a Taurus, to get you off from all charges. You will learn nothing from your arrest and continue to scam people for the rest of your life until someone shanks you while you’re doing a 60 day stint in jail for a pyramid scheme.

Gemini – May 21st – June 21st

You are a charming borderline sociopath who abuses drugs and alcohol to an extreme. Throughout your life, you will randomly flip out on people and then brush it off while claiming ‘I’m an artist so I’m supposed to be emotional’ without ever producing anything that would remotely qualify as art.

This week, you will drink heavily, get into a fight with a stranger, spend three days in bed considering suicide, and then eventually just drink some more. You will get nothing accomplished and the air you breathe will be wasted.

Cancer – June 22nd – July 22nd

You are an incredibly judgmental asshole. You are terrified of taking risks, so you look down on anyone else who takes risks out of pure jealousy. Most likely, you work in a menial middle management job, where you believe that you are far too good to work, but where you will remain because you don’t have the balls to fight for a better position.

This week, someone will cut you off in traffic. You will flip them off and momentarily be pleased with yourself. Then, you will pull up next to them at a red light and avoid eye contact while you pretend to be checking your phone.

Leo – July 23rd – August 22nd

You are as desperate for attention as a scurvy sailor is desperate for vitamin C. You put lot of focus on your looks and make no effort to develop yourself as a human being. In short, you are an empty package.

This week, you will sleep with someone wealthier than you in an attempt to get yourself a ‘sugar partner.” They will almost immediately realize how shallow you are and write you off as a ‘pump and dump’ instead. You will spend the next few months stalking them on Facebook and complaining to your friends ‘look who s/he is seeing now. I am so much better looking than them.” You will never get that there is more to life than looks and will probably die alone.

Virgo – August 23rd – September 22nd

You have standards so high, you are almost guaranteed to die alone. Your borderline obsessive compulsive disorder makes you a nightmare to live with, so you are a loner. You are also incredibly prudish and consider the act of sex a disgusting exchange of bodily fluids that you refuse to participate in.

You will spend this week continuously cleaning your bathroom floor, as you swear to god you can ‘hear the germs moving around in there.” You will meet your soul mate, and then write them off because their second toe is just a little bit longer than their big toe and that creeps you out.

Libra – September 23rd – October 23rd             

You are the pacifist that gives all pacifists a bad name. You avoid conflict at every given opportunity and are so desperate to see that everyone is happy, that you often write off your own happiness. In short, you suck at life.

This week, you will let at least 10 strangers skip you in line at the grocery store. You will give a cheerful wave to the guy who cut you off in traffic and you will let that friend who never pays you back borrow money…again.

Scorpio – October 24th – November 21st

You are a grumpy motherfucker who is barely tolerable as a human being. You regularly and completely unapologetically use racial slurs and you look forward to the apocalypse, because you hate people and just want all of them to die.

This week, you will write several angry letters to the government that will go unanswered. You will complain about every generation but yours. If you are in Florida, you will probably shoot a black teenager.

Sagittarius – November 22nd – December 21st               

You are obnoxiously optimistic, to the point where you make most of your friends sick. You spout off about things like ‘true love’ and ‘happily ever after’ while completely ignoring every thing that is wrong with the world. You are a child in an adult’s body and may very possibly have Downs Syndrome.

This week, you will knit your cat a sweater while singing a pop song from the latest Disney star. You will be verbally abused by a cashier at a Wendy’s but continue smiling, because all people are deep down good. You will continue thinking that until someone stabs you to death at an ATM, for the $20 you just took out so you could donate to Saint Jude’s Children’s Hospital.

Capricorn – December 22nd – January 19th

You work an 80 hour work week, despite the fact that your boss never notices. As far as you’re concerned, idle hands are the devils playthings and you make a point of being constantly busy. You sleep less than 5 hours a night and feel guilty just for sitting down.

This week, you will develop an adderal habit, after you realize it helps you avoid all those obnoxious ‘sleeping habits.’ You will take on several incredibly large projects at work and will stay up for 130 hours straight to complete them. Eventually, you will snap and beat a hooker to death with your shoe.

Aquarius – January 20th – February 18th

You are a dirty hippie who probably makes their own granola. Most likely, you drive a Prius and expect everyone to congratulate you for that fact. You make a point of reminding everyone that you were against the war in Iraq, despite the fact that you were actually for it at the time.

This week, you will get into a political argument with someone and lose, because all your political information comes from the Daily Show. You will make up for that by supporting any movement that is trendy, and by standing outside of Publix grocery stores, demanding that innocent shoppers sign you petition.

Pisces – February 19th – March 20th

You just want people to love you, which is why you often become the advice giving friend in any relationship. You are incredibly sensitive and cry way more than most people should. People like you, they listen to you, but they don’t respect you.

This week, you will give advice to one of your long time crushes. That long time crush will use that advice to get into a relationship with another person, despite the fact that you desperately hoped it would make them love you. But they don’t; they just want a smoking hot Leo. They will never appreciate you and you will eventually settle for someone much less attractive than you. Together, you will open a marijuana farm in Humboldt County.


8 thoughts on “Your Unflattering Horoscope

    • really? That’s kind of a well know misogynist term. Mainly, it means that you screwed a chick, because her only apparent value was her body, and then ditched her ass because she wasn’t worth getting to know.

      Now that I think about it, not knowing what a pump and dump is makes you an incredibly good human being. Rock on. 🙂

  1. I’m a Scorpio and definitely hate people. In fact, if I could shoot anyone who abused an animal and get away with it, I would. And no, I’m not misunderstood! No one has figured out I’m right 99.9% of the time.

  2. Two people? On a good day, I have two people, one bitchy disembodied voice, one surreal monster and me in my head.
    Oddly enough, your astrology is more spot-on than the other incredibly vague bullshit.

  3. I think there is something to astrology too, but most horoscopes are too general. I only like to believe it if I want it to happen, lol. This was hilarious! I related to a few of them too! (Leo, Virgo, and Cancer, which are all in my full chart). I am more than happy to die alone if I can find some source of steady attention somewhere!
    Anyway, the last few lines of the Aries horoscope actually happened to my Aries guy friend when we worked together. You’re onto something.

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