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A Few Diet Observations

I’m about 10 pounds down from when I started dieting a couple of weeks ago. Hardly a miracle cure though. I imagine much of it was alcohol bloat. In the past few weeks, I’ve learned a few things about dieting that I would like to share with you all.

Always pass on diet aids that come with baby wipes.

If the diet recommends that you carry a spare change of pants and a package of baby wipes, expect to be in a world of hurt. When that recommendation comes along, you really need to assess your priorities. For me, the decision to avoid Alloy was simply because I’d rather be a regular overweight girl, than a skinny chick who regularly shits herself.

If it’s called a ‘cleanse’ it’s actually a form of controlled anorexia

Fruit ‘cleanse’, berry ‘cleanse, master ‘cleanse’ all mean one thing. By the end of the first day, when you chew your nails out of continued edgy frustration, you will consider eating one of your fingers. Most of these cleansers include either diuretics or laxatives, meaning that when you go to the bathroom, you will have absolutely no idea which side will be doing all the work.

You should always stick to the recommended amount of pills when on medication

Otherwise, prepare to have this internal discussion when you go to bed at night.

Emotional brain: Wow, my heart sure is beating fast

Logical brain: it’s just the stimulants

Emotional brain: or a heart attack…

Logical brain: if you were having a heart attack, you would be having sharp stabbing pain in your right arm.

Emotional brain: Now that you said that, I’m definitely having stabbing pain in both my arms. What does that mean?

Logical brain: I’m not sure. Let’s get up and Google it.

Emotional brain: OK. I’ll put 911 on standby just in case.

Alcohol only counts if you keep it down

Alcohol is tricky and is the exact reason that I gained weight. See, you gain weight when your body stores something like calories or fat. But your body is incapable of storing booze. Because of that, whenever you drink, the alcohol you drink gets priority in the burning of calories. If you eat after that, any food that is above your necessary daily intake of calories gets stored as fat. My heavy drinking habit created the perfect storm of weight gain.

This same inability to store alcohol can also work to your benefit. Once you drink too much, your body starts rejecting (i.e. projectile vomiting it) instead. As an added benefit, the hangover that follows will keep you from eating or drinking most of the next day.

I consider hangovers God’s personal diet plan.

I will not jog again until an ass-bra is created.

Two sports bras is more than enough to keep my chest from bouncing around as I run down the street. It keeps me from distracting Florida motorists and causing more than one car crash. But that doesn’t help those driving behind me.

There is no amount of lycra that I can comfortable wear while running, that will keep my ass cheeks from bouncing like two overfilled volley balls. I have gotten more cat calls from dudes who like junk in the trunk than any woman should be forced to endure. Until the ass bra is created, I will save myself the humiliation and stick to the safety of the elliptical trainer.

So far, the diet is going well. As long as my ‘get high and go to the gym’ method continues to work, I should happily be sporting a one piece bathing suit with a mom skirt come spring.

2 thoughts on “A Few Diet Observations

  1. Soo, the trash in the trunk is limiting your exercise routine? (go for it, the public will get over it) Oh, I really appreciate a great laugh, I’m in a coffee shop and burst out but managed to quiet it some. I’ll contact if I can create such a Bra. Butt, how in the hell will I manage to tactfully ask a woman to try it?

  2. Cleanses are controlled anorexia! Yes!
    I tried the master cleanse once. I lasted a day and a half. That first day, all I did was watch TV or talk on the phone, laying down. The next day I actually had to move around (go to work), and I was like “Hell Naw!” so I ate.

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