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My Life is a Yo-Yo Diet

I saw a picture of myself recently and I was surprised to see how much weight I had put on. I did all the self denial stuff we all do when we see a picture of ourselves looking chubby.

“I was just bloated.”

“The camera adds ten pounds”

“It was the way I was standing.”

I almost convinced myself all that was true, but then I stepped on the scale. Nope, verifiable fact that I have gained weight. While it’s not a ton, I generally like to cut these things off at the pass. You know, before I turn into one of those giant ladies who has to be cut out of her house so she can appear on a Doctor Phil episode about morbid obesity.

So it’s back to dieting. I love fad diets. I’ve tried everything in the interest of loosing weight quickly. You would be amazed at the things I have put in my mouth (and I’m not just talking Spring Break 2001). I’ve tried shakes, cotton balls, diet pills, diet bars and everything in between. The worst I have tried to date was “The Master Cleanse”

Who knew this was a recipe for a slow, painful death?

Who knew this was a recipe for a slow, painful death?

I made it one day. The day starts out by drinking 3 quarts of salt water. It ends with you laying on your bathroom floor, praying for a quick death.

Slim Fast was useless. It was only after the first day that I realized it was just a clever way to starve myself.

You know what I miss is Fen-Phen and Ephedra based diet pills. Now those fucking things got the job done! Swear to god, after I had my kid, I dropped like 80 pounds in a month. The hallucinations were pretty friggen sweet too. Who cares if I can’t use my left arm anymore?

Unfortunately, as I don’t have access to heart damaging stimulants, I will have to do this the old fashioned way.

Switch from beer to weed and start going to the gym.

You ever been on a treadmill stoned? It really is a mind altering experience. After a few minutes on the thing, you start philosophizing about how it’s really a metaphor for the way the world works. How we all think we’re constantly moving, but we never really get further than where we started. How everything, even time, is an illusion.

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Before you know it, you’ve been on the thing for forty five minutes and you haven’t even broken a sweat. And then you go over to the Stairmaster, and you have the exact same thought, but you think it’s totally new, because you forgot what you were thinking about on the treadmill.

I lost about 20 pounds in two months just doing that. I’m patenting it as “Distracted Dieting – the Essa Alroc Guide to a Better You.” Weed not included.

I’ve been yo-yo dieting my entire life. I’ve gotten the lectures from doctors about how it’s dangerous to lose 20 pounds in a month, but I keep doing it. Healthy eating and regular exercise is boring.

My life is a series of binges.

 

 

2 thoughts on “My Life is a Yo-Yo Diet

    • Oh god…I think that is actually a recipe for diabetes. Luckily, I’ve never had an issue with munchies. I have the pallet of a 5 year old and refuse to eat anything where I can’t immediately identify all ingredients. Last time I had the munchies, I ate an entire head of lettuce…total calories 80. 🙂

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