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A Response to My Insurance Company

Recently, while driving my car, my mother was involved in a minor fender bender. Being Florida, this of course turned into a massive life altering car accident. Today, I received the following email from my insurance underwriting company. After the message is the exact response I sent to the insurance company.

—–Original Message—–
From: underwriter <>
To: s <>
Sent: Mon, Feb 3, 2014 2:56 pm
Subject: Re: Important information about your Esurance policy 

Thank you for your email. We have reviewed the information provided. Unfortunately We require coverage verification for all drivers with regular or occasional access to the vehicles we are insuring. XXXXX was a vehicle operator in a claim who shows current at your residing along with XXXXX. Please contact us to add, exclude or provide proof of auto insurance in the form of a declarations page for Marquise Johnson. We also show we are requesting documents to verify your garaging address. Please submit a current complete utility bill established in your name. We can review gas, water and electric bills. All pages must be included.

Please provide the above requested documents by 2/10/2014 to avoid the driver being force added to your policy effective 8/23/2014 or your policy being cancelled or non renewed.

You may fax the requested information to .

Thank you for your cooperation in resolving this matter. Please don’t hesitate to let us know if we can be of further assistance. You may call us at  or email .

Please note, the Underwriting Department telephone hours are Monday through Friday from 7:00 AM to 9:00 PM, and Saturdays from 8:00 AM to 4:30 PM Central Time.

The Esurance Underwriting Team

From: s <>
To: underwriter <>
Sent: Mon, Feb 3, 2014 7:31 pm
Subject: Re: Important information about your Esurance policy

Dear recipient,

Thank you for the form letter responding to my concerns. Well, not really, but you get my drift.

First, does everyone in the world have to respond with a declarations page from Marquise Johnson? He must be like the worst driver that ever existed. I only ask because I’ve never met the man, so I assume that this is a request to you send to all policy holders.  Maybe you should create a special form for it. I would call it the “Marquise Johnson Refusal.”

In regards to your demand that you have verifications from all people who have “regular or occasional access to the vehicles we are insuring” I assure you that I am the only one with ‘regular access’. I would be willing to argue the ‘regular access’ part, as it is a surprise that my car starts at all.  It is a temperamental vehicle and I can assure you that no one on the planet is guaranteed regular access to it, not even me.  Most of the time I just turn the ignition and pray.

As for drivers, I can assure you that other people find it humiliating to drive my car. It’s a Dodge Neon with black tint and spinning rims. The only people I can get to drive it do so under duress. My mother calls it my ‘ghetto mobile’ and refers to it using racial slurs. We can’t blame her for that though; she is from a different time.

I don’t have access to my brother’s declarations page as I am pretty sure he has rolled it into a coke straw and used it to snort coke off a hooker’s ass. He lives in Vegas and drives a BMV, so I doubt he is very familiar with Esurance. In fact when I told him I have Esurance he responded “why don’t you just carry a sleeve of pennies instead. It would cover you for more and cost you less.”

As to your ‘garaging verification’ demand, I assure you that my car is ‘garaged’ nowhere and has never seen the inside of a garage. Who the hell do you think I am, Donald Trump?  My car sits in a hot parking lot made of gravel. If I’m lucky, my drunk neighbor disappears for a few days, and I steal his spot. God, I can’t wait until that dude dies from cirrhosis. I’ll never have to walk more than 300 feet again!

You realize the irony of sending me a letter at my address, and then demanding that I verify my address. That’s like pickling a jar of cucumbers and demanding someone verify they are kosher.

Also, thanks for assuming that I have a fax machine despite the fact that I own a car that bluebooks at about $900. That is very forward thinking of you. It’s kind of like when a white person describes a black person without mentioning that they are black. We both know that there is no way I have access to a fax machine, but you politely ignore that fact and suggest it anyway. Way to ignore the elephant in the room.

Finally, cancelling my policy as of 8/23/2014 works perfectly for me. See I am an incredibly lazy individual, and I can almost guarantee that my crappy car will be getting formed into a metal cube in a scrap metal yard by then. Now I don’t have to cancel my insurance. Thanks for saving me a phone call.

One thought on “A Response to My Insurance Company

  1. What happened? Did you have to send in that BS paperwork or not after that letter?
    Because if you didn’t, I am writing all my future correspondence to companies like this!

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