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This is Why You Don’t Have a Boyfriend

Occasionally, I do blogs about dating because I believe I have a unique perspective on the general human psyche. This comes from being a silent observer, and a crazy recluse who regularly listens to the people outside her window bitch and moan as they smoke weed.

No judgment people in apartment 241, but you should know that the Febreze isn’t covering up the smell. Move to the 21st century and get a vaporizer.

As I am a sucker for drama, I enjoy eavesdropping on their conversations. One conversation I hear a lot of is from a young lady who I will refer to as ‘Hopeless Hilda”.


Hopeless Hilda has a problem. She wants a boyfriend. I know this because it gets mentioned every twelve seconds, along with the phrase ‘what’s wrong with me?” Her well-meaning friends keep telling her ‘nothing is wrong with you. You’re beautiful. You just haven’t met the right man yet.”

Her friends, while kind, are 100% wrong. I will agree that Hilda is gorgeous. She is after all, a professional model. However, that is just about the only thing that Hopeless Hilda has going for her. So I’m writing this blog post, in the hopes that Hopeless Hilda will take to the internet and stumble upon my blog, so she can become a little less hopeless.

#1 – Never used the phrase ‘All men are (insert slur or generalization)” again.

Before you spit out the phrase ‘All men are assholes” I want you do something. Replace ‘men’ with any ethnic group. For example; “All men are assholes” becomes “All Hispanics are assholes.”

But you wouldn’t say the second one because that’s racist, right? Well, the first one is sexist. Stop being a sexist bitch. It is not an attractive quality. Not all men are assholes. Some men are assholes, as are some women. When you go around complaining about all men, you just look like a bitter hag. When was the last time you saw a headline on Match.com stating ‘desperately seeking bitter hag’?

#2 – Stop over-sharing

Hi Hilda. I’m Essa, the blond girl with the 9 pound dog. Seems weird that I’ve lived underneath you for like two years and you never even knew my name.

You know what else is weird? The fact that you just learned my name, but that I know you were molested when you were five, have an eating disorder, cut yourself when you’re depressed, have an abusive ex and you might be addicted to diet pills.

How do I know all this? Because you say all these things to every single guy you date. I know this, because you share it all, usually while breaking down in tears, right in front of my window.

Weirdly, the guys you say all this to never seem to call back, because I never see them again.

Here’s the thing Hilda, you need to work on your first date material.  Tears and skeletons in your closet should be saved for when you are actually in a monogamous committed relationship. I know you read a lot of romance novels, and you just want someone to rescue you, but trust me babe, it isn’t gonna happen. If romance novels were real, we’d all be married to handsome billionaires.

#3 – Stop over-complimenting

One compliment is nice. 2 is getting a little weird. 3 reeks of desperation. When you spend a night telling a dude how smart, handsome and strong he is, eventually he starts thinking ‘wow, I could have any chick I want. Screw this bitch; I’m gonna go find a rich heiress.”

Ok, so not entirely accurate, but think of it this way. Have you ever had a guy repeatedly tell you how pretty you were during one date? Was it flattering at first, and then started to wear thin? After a while, didn’t you start to think that you were too good for him? Trust me; he’s thinking the same thing.

Good rule of thumb? Return a compliment with a compliment. No more, no less.

#4 – He doesn’t care about your hair, shoes, makeup, etc.

Save the girl talk for your girlfriends. Just because he compliments your shoes does not mean he needs a 45 minute lecture on why you always buy designer because it pays off in the end, because the leather is stronger and the shoes last longer.

#5 – Getting a boyfriend should not mean getting any boyfriend.

Girl, you have brought some real prizes home. I especially liked the unemployed guy with the neck tattoo, who you gave money to so he could take a cab to Orlando and buy some meth.

I wonder why he never came back.

Oh yeah, because he’s an unemployed meth head. You should be glad he didn’t come back, rather than bitching to your friends that he screwed you and never called again. I know Cosmo tells you that you should be married by now, but you should never base you life on what a magazine says.

You should base you life on what my blog says.

Next time you go on a date, do me a favor. Instead of falling all over yourself trying to impress the guy, actually pay attention to what he says. If it talks like a douchebag, walks like a douchebag and acts like a douchebag, it’s a douchebag. Stop trying to fake interest and instead fake food poisoning so you can end the date early.

Hilda, you seem like a nice girl. I’m sure that deep down inside, you don’t think that all guys are assholes. I’m sure deep down inside that you really know there is something wrong with you. In short, life isn’t a romantic comedy. Neurotic, high maintenance girls who complain about men all the time don’t marry Gerard Butler after getting proposed to in a hot air balloon. They die alone and get eaten by their cats.

You don’t need to change who you are. You just need to really consider the words that are coming out of your mouth before you state them. Because the real ugly truth is nobody wants a train wreck.

13 thoughts on “This is Why You Don’t Have a Boyfriend

    • Can’t blame her. She’s still pretty young. Like early 20s, so she has an excuse. But if you’re 30 and still fucking it up, it’s time to reevaluate your life. I’ve never gotten it. Half the time, I can’t get rid of the dudes I ‘date’. Seems like I should be able to give those needy dudes to someone that would be good for them.

      Unfortunately, life doesn’t work like that. Weird, because even on my best day,. with a pro-drag queen doing my makeup, I don’t come close to being as pretty as Hilda. Guess personality does matter. 🙂

      • If I’ve learned anything from reading mens’ blogs, it’s that looks are definitely not everything and personality and character has way more weight than society and men would like us to believe.

      • Have to say you’re right on this one. Despite frequently not being the most attractive girl in the room, I am the one that usually gets flocked to. I liken it to my mother’s issue. See, my mom is insanely allergic to cats, so without fail, every time she goes into a house with cats in it, they all flock to her.

        I’m allergic to relationships. I have a theory that you can only be successful in love or money, but never both. My ultimate goal is to be successful in money and I avoid relationships at all costs. Because I do that, I have never had a one night stand I couldn’t shake or a first date that didn’t think I was their soul mate.

        Apparently, the most attractive thing is the world is a complete lack of interest.

    • Yeah, guys like it when you don’t have two f*cks to give. It’s like if they win you over, then they must be special. Whereas if you’re desperate, they know any guy could easily win you over.

    • Would if I could, but I’m going to need specifics. Like snowflakes, no two feminine problems are the same. You could be stuck on the wrong guys, be getting the wrong guys stuck on you, have some major personality quirks that need sanding, or deep-down, not really want a relationship but feel obligated to have one by society. Feel free to send me a synopsis of your current problem and I’ll address it in a future post…without naming names, should you so prefer. My contact page links directly to my email.

      But a word of warning before you contact me. My methods work, but they are very often extreme.

      • well .. I will share with you my story
        A part of it is on my blog …

        It stated 5 years ago. In a one summer day when I met Alex. Tall, smart , funny, sad .. The 1 melody was Uninvited 😀 I have such a good time with him …

        After I suppose I met his sister & her boyfriend and maybe they didn’t like me so much. And he met my family and they didn’t like him too much .. And well he start don’t call me and don’t answer too …and I met him again in december …and again into spring .. and so on ..And we talk .. and after we didn’t talk long time too and that’s again …and again .. just try to scan the blog :d

  1. Essa, I am in love with your blog.
    On a side note, compliments only work if the guy has a hungry ego the size of a small planet.

    • Scary enough, my blog has a mind of it’s own and loves you right back. It’s fully self aware, like the evil computer system in terminator. 😉

      Have to agree with you on the compliment thing. Girls deserve compliments, because we spend so much damn time getting ready. It’s like hours of makeup, hair, shoes and accessories. That kind of effort needs to be recognized.

      Most guys get ready by taking a dump, followed by (maybe) putting on a clean shirt. The lack of effort in getting dressed is an easy trade off for the lack of compliments. Any guy that needs them is very needy in the ego department.

    • I do try. As a confirmed bachelorette with no interest in a serious relationship, I naturally have a line of suitors (and a couple of stalkers) following my chubby ass. I figured it was time to share the wealth…and hopefully pawn off some of these guys who keep calling me on my neighbor. Quid pro quo and all that, 😉

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