In an effort to get defriended regularly, I like to post helpful tips to piss off my Facebook friends. Today’s posting will be more of the same, as I am starting to get detached retinas from how much eye rolling I am forced to do whenever I open my page. So, here is my list of demands. You will all get your pets and/or children back, when I stop seeing the following coming from your timeline.
TV show spoilers….
Seriously, people, that’s just a dick move. Some of us internet stream our television, meaning we don’t get to see our favorites until a day (or sometimes month, fuck you Showtime) after they air. After the finale of Breaking Bad came out, I had to avoid Facebook for two weeks, just so some a-hole wouldn’t ruin the ending for me.
You know how I found out ***SPOILER ALERT***(<<- that’s how it’s done dickheads) Brian died on Family Guy? Some idiot’s Facebook stream.
Yes, I’m fucking talking to you Josh.
Oh, and while we’re on the subject, you can all stop acting like morons setting up groups demanding Seth MacFarlane brings Brian back. This is a publicity stunt. According to the TV show wiki, Brian appears in episodes after his alleged death. Oh, and there’s the little fact that he was hit by what appears to be his own car. I’m guessing some kind of time travel paradox show is coming in the near future.
The Family Guy new dog is the new Coke marketing scheme. When old Coke started to lose steam, they introduced a flavor that everyone hated. Then they rereleased Coke as ‘Coke Classic’ and sales exploded. My guess would be that the show started to lose steam because the writing has been seriously sub-par lately. So they want to make it suck for a few episodes, then bring back classic Family Guy and get their viewers back.
From what I can tell, it’s already working. Well played Seth MacFarlane. Well played.
What you ate for lunch, what you’re making for dinner, etc., etc.
Seriously, unless you’re bashing in a monkey’s head and eating its brain ‘Faces of Death’ style, no one give a fuck what you’re eating or cooking. Just stop.
How much you love your kids, mother, sister, overly handsy uncle, etc
Talking about how much you love someone doesn’t make you a good person. Your actions make you a good person. Stop trying to gain good karma points with sappy posts about your deep love for your kids, parents, family, etc. Anyone can claim to love their parents.
“I loved my mother. She’s a good girl.” – Charles Manson
If you want to show someone you love them, go DO something for them. Words are only as strong as the actions that back them. (<- Look at me, getting all Gandhi style deep. I promise it won’t happen again.)
Posts about your sobriety, AA, etc.
I’ve mentioned this before and I’ve actually defriended people because of it. AA is alcoholics anonymous. That ‘anonymous’ is not just for you. It is also for the people who attend those meetings with you. When you use it as a ploy to gain attention, you aren’t just putting your own ‘anonymous’ status at risk. You are putting the status of those who actually want to remain anonymous at risk. In short, shut the fuck up and take that shit to a private chat room. I know it’s not the same, because you won’t get attention, but AA isn’t about attention. It’s about recovery.
Yup, the epidemic of idiots taking 400 pictures of themselves a day is so widespread that there is actually a name for it now. If you are friends with me, I already know what you look like. I don’t need a blurred focus picture of you pouting your lips to remind me. To me, ‘selfie’ doesn’t stand for ‘self portrait’. It stands for ‘I have low self esteem…so I need to post 100,000 pictures a day of myself so people will see how pretty I am. ”
Hey, people who validate themselves based on looks, ready to get a hard dose of reality? Some day you will be ugly. You will get old. You will get fat. You will get wrinkles and you will no longer be able to validate your entire existence based on your looks. Someday, you will realize that you probably should have focused on developing yourself as a human being, instead of wasting you time pursing your lips and trying to look sexy for the camera.
And also, here’s a selfie for you.
People, please stop wasting valuable internet space on stupidity. No one cares what you ate for dinner. No one cares that you love your children. Trust me, you aren’t the first person to eat dinner and have children. No matter how many times they say it, your friends don’t think you look pretty in that selfie. They think you look like an attention whore. The only difference between them and me is I’m the only one with the balls to say so.
Maybe I should post a selfie of those gigantic things. Seriously, it’s a miracle I can walk.