Today I read a long, poetically written blog post by a man urging us all to ‘disconnect’ from our wireless, computer driven lifestyle and get out to enjoy nature. The post was approximately 2000 words long and filled with pictures taken by a digital camera.
Dude had somewhere in the neighborhood of 30 likes and 25 comments agreeing with him. All I could do was roll my eyes.
Oh, the hypocrisy…
For established bloggers out there, I ask you to do a little self estimate right now. How much time do you put in per week to update your posts and drive traffic to your page? If your answer is like mine (a fuckload), you are probably going to get where I’m going with this.
Every week, I get a new meme on Facebook about how I should stop spending my time online and instead, go enjoy nature.
Let me break this down. I get a meme from someone who;
- Downloaded Photo Shop onto their computer
- Uploaded or created a ‘nature’ related image
- Typed out a quote about nature or copied some Robert Frost poem that they researched on the internet
- Put it all together on Photo Shop (not a task for amateurs, BTW)
- Uploaded it to their Facebook page with 2000 friends
- Wrote an entire blog post about it
- Did all this without any irony whatsoever, despite the fact that everything they just did required the use of the computer they’ve been telling everyone to get off the whole damn time.
To me, that’s a bit like handing out steaks with ‘become a vegan’ written on them in A1 sauce.
Here’s the thing people; if you were truly a ‘nature’ lover, then you would be outside enjoying nature. You would not spend 4 hours writing a 2000 word post on your established blog with 800 followers, telling everyone else to go outside and enjoy nature. Your love of nature is only surpassed by your love of sniffing your own ass.
Also, stop shoving this ‘nature’ agenda down everyone’s fucking throat. You’re not going to make me feel like a failure because I don’t spend three hours a day appreciating the simple beauty that is the design of a rose. I have more interesting things to do.
Jesus, have these people even seen Japanese anime porn? Trust me; roses got nothing on what lipless Asian lesbian vampires do with tentacle monsters!
Fuck nature. I am not a nature girl. I’m a digital girl. You can’t hack nature. You can’t estimate your tax returns with nature. You can’t look up porn on nature…unless you want to watch a couple of deer doing it. Even then, you have to lure them into doing it with salt lick and doe pee, and it only works from October to January. But with the internet, you can see a video of deer doing it right now!
That wasn’t the only video I found on YouTube either. That was just the first among 30,000 results found with the search phrase ‘deer doing it.’
I look forward to the day when our universe is chrome and glass. I look forward to the day when we’re all driving hover cars and living on space ships. Fuck trees, I want my own robot maid!
I don’t enjoy nature and I’m not going to be guilted into enjoying nature by someone who probably spends more time on the internet than I do. I like the convenience that computers allow, so stop telling me to unplug mine.
If I want to see nature, I’ll fucking Google it.