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Marijuana Myths Debunked

Everyone in the world knows that the classic film “Reefer Madness” was nothing more than a government propaganda campaign, filled with misinformation, designed to instill mass panic as an excuse to increase the fines on marijuana possession.

If you don’t know that, you are far too stupid to be working my page. Please leave.

My last post included some of my own pro-weed propaganda. Usually, people who disagree with me on my stance on decriminalizing marijuana just ignore me. However, I did receive an anonymous email filled with supposed facts and information disagreeing with me.

It was one of those really obnoxious emails, where all the words were in fucking caps lock and it was twelve paragraphs long. The a-hole even had the audacity to excuse his excessive caps lock with the statement ‘sorry, my caps lock key is stuck.’

For future reference Anonymous, your computer problems are not my problem. Before you expect me to read a fucking email, drop the $20 on a new keyboard. Caps lock is an assault to the eyes. Also, next time, you can change everything to lowercase just by highlighting it all, holding down shift and pressing F3.

You’re welcome.

Even better anonymous, that helpful little computer tidbit is not all you’re going to learn from me tonight! I’m going to pump you full of forced knowledge by debunking every single one of your ‘facts’ (or FACTS, as you like to scream it).

Marijuana is a gateway drug.

Correlation does not equal cause. While I will agree that marijuana users are about 100 times more likely to try harder drugs, that does not mean marijuana is a gateway drug. Generally, people who have access to marijuana also have access to stronger drugs. This does not make marijuana a ‘gateway’. It just means that they have more access to drugs than people who have never tried them.

If you don’t believe me, check out this quote;

There is no conclusive evidence that the drug effects of marijuana are causally linked to the subsequent abuse of other illicit drugs.

Nope, that wasn’t written by the “High Times”. That was written in a congressional report related to scientific evidence that marijuana is not a gateway drug. The study was conducted by some of our nation’s top scientific researchers…i.e. people who actually know how to turn their fucking caps lock off.

For those who like metaphors, saying that marijuana is a gateway to other illicit substances is like saying living near a Taco Bell is a gateway to obesity.

Marijuana causes brain damage

Actually, Anonymous told me that ‘marijuana causes Brian damage’. Poor Brian. Had I known I was hurting the talking dog in “Family Guy”, I would have just switched to meth.


Seriously though, there has been no conclusive evidence of any long term brain damage related to marijuana use, even habitual marijuana use. The only true evidence is related to short term memory loss that occurs while the person is using. So, if you get high before “Two and a Half Men”, you probably won’t remember the episode the next day.

I actually consider that a plus.

Marijuana is a drug

Yup, it sure is. But based on the loosest definition of drug, i.e.;

a medicine or other substance which has a physiological effect when ingested or otherwise introduced into the body.

everything is a drug. When you eat food, you stop feeling hungry. That’s a physiological effect. When you breathe air, you stop feeling dizzy from lack of oxygen. That’s a physiological effect.

The fact is, there are far more harmful drugs out there that are considered perfectly legal. Hydrocodone and Oxycodone are highly addictive and widely available with a prescription. Both of those are opium derivatives. You know what else is an opium derivative? Heroin.

Just another day on the heroin farm...

Just another day on the heroin farm…

So you can get heroin with a prescription, but medicinal weed isn’t recognized as an appropriate medical choice, even though it hasn’t been proven to be physically addictive? I’m calling bullshit.

‘Drug’ doesn’t immediately equal ‘bad’. In fact, many ‘drugs’ help people. Ever heard of penicillin, Anonymous?

Marijuana causes car accidents

I concur. Here’s the problem. When someone gets into a car wreck, they might be tested for alcohol use via a breathalyzer. However, they are rarely tested for marijuana or other drugs, unless the accident causes a fatality.

Even in cases where the user is tested following an accident, there is really no way to know if they smoked immediately before the accident, or a week before. Check out my how to pass a drug test article for more info on that.

There’s no way to know, because there are no laws on the books that list a ‘legal’ threshold. For example, to get charged with drunk driving, the BAC has to be at 0.08 or above in most states. There is a clear cut law that allows officers to charge people with a crime. The law is clear cut because it’s perfectly legal to drink, but it’s not legal to drive drunk.

There is no clear cut threshold for marijuana because marijuana is illegal period. If marijuana were legalized, a clear cut threshold would be set and we would see far more convictions for marijuana related driving offenses. That’s not because more people would smoke marijuana. It’s because the state would actually be able to fucking regulate the use of marijuana while driving.

Marijuana turns people into zombies

I disagree. Marijuana affects the pleasure receptors in a person’s brain, making them more likely to derive pleasure out of simple tasks.

For people like me, who actually have difficulty feeling emotions period, marijuana makes us much more interested in life and willing to participate in new experiences. When I’m using marijuana, I’m far more likely to leave the house, go to the gym, or eat because things are actually interesting again. My pleasure receptors are open, making me want to take part in activities.

Also, if you think that argument is bullshit, I’ll go ahead and announce my case study; Mr. Michael Phelps. Mr. Phelps is the most decorated Olympian of all time…and he’s also a pot smoker.

Go ahead Mr. Phelps, you earned it.

Go ahead Mr. Phelps, you earned it.

He was busted in 2009 partaking in the ganja. While he apologized, he also proved to the world that people who participate in recreational marijuana still have the ability excel. Also, here’s a list of noted celebrity marijuana users, along with their net worth, just for posterity.

  • Jon Stewart, $80 million
  • Bill Maher, $23 million
  • Bill Gates, $72 billion
  • Lebron James, $110 million
  • George Clooney, $180 million
  • Lady Gaga, $190 million
  • Ted Turner, $2 billion
  • Jennifer Aniston, $130 million
  • Morgan Freeman, $150 million
  • Martha Stewart, $300 million
  • Seth McFarland, $150 million
  • Maya Angelou, $28 million
  • Madonna, $650 million
  • High Hefner, $43 million
  • Rihanna, $90 million

Who says potheads are lazy?

Marijuana causes cancer

Marijuana is less of a cancer risk than cigarette smoking. In addition, no conclusive studies have been found to date that show any significant increase in lung or other respiratory related cancers. The majority of cancer cases found in marijuana smokers were incidental findings due to the fact that the marijuana smokers also smoked cigarettes.

Also, alcohol and cigarettes both cause cancer, along with a whole host of other diseases, and they are perfectly legal. Invalid point.

In the future Anonymous, know who the fuck you’re dealing with when you send poorly informed emails about the risks of marijuana use. I’m not a lazy pothead in denial. I work 12 hours a day. I’m simultaneously writing 3 new novels and I’m working on a television pilot as we speak.

And I still manage to find the time to be politically involved with the legislation designed to decriminalize marijuana use.

Meanwhile you, Mr. anti-pot smoker, probably work 40 hours a week stocking shelves at a grocery store. When you get home, you spend your time sending people smarter than you all-caps emails filled with misinformation. You might want to ask yourself who’s doing more for the world here.

At this point, I think smoking a joint or two could only help you.

One thought on “Marijuana Myths Debunked

  1. Marijuana never did anything for me, except dry out my throat, but I still think it should be legalized. Alcohol is far more dangerous and addictive. Believe me – I know! Tylenol 3 and 4 each have codeine, an opioid, which is a derivative of opium. They’re by prescription only, but people can still become addicted and even have adverse side effects. People react differently to various substances. Peanut allergies, for example, can be deadly to some people! The federal government keeps trying to save us from ourselves, but only enhances the criminal element instead.

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