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Dear Manosphere Retards…In Answer to Your Questions

In the past, I’ve been a pretty big critic of the manoshpere. I’ve written a couple of articles on the manosphere, which makes these douches just foam at the mouth when they read them. I would say, aside from Christian fundamentalists, Westboro Baptist Church Members and Rush Limbaugh fan clubbers, they are probably my biggest haters. Despite the fact that they are only forth in line for my biggest haters, they seem to send me the most repeat emails.

In case you’re wondering what the manosphere is, it’s mainly a group of lonely internet douche bags who hate feminism and think women are everything that is wrong with the world.

 Guaranteed, the pussy that made this will send me a DMCA notice in weeks.

Guaranteed, the pussy that made this will send me a DMCA notice in weeks.

Here’s the thing, I’m not a feminist. I’ve never really considered myself a feminist because I think once you start supporting the interest of one group of over another, you become the thing that you were complaining about in the first place. I don’t believe in ‘women’s rights’. I believe in ‘human’ rights.

But, because I am an angry, outspoken writer who just happens to have a vagina, I attracted their attention at one point. To be fair, I did call them retards on several occasions, so I can’t pretend I’m an innocent party here. In fact, I might have entirely started the fight.

Yeah, I’ll do that. Must be my emotional feminine nature.

Look, douches who keep emailing me, I’m not a feminist. I’m an individualist. Get it right if you’re going to insult me.

I believe that some people have more value to the world than other people. What they have dangling (or not) between their legs doesn’t matter to me. I believe in the power of the person, not the striations of statistics. You all don’t seem to get that, which is why you are part of the problem in the world. Not part of the solution.

And most of you fuckers seem to have a lot of time on your hands, because you keep emailing me. Well, you might have a lot of time on your hands, but I don’t. So I’m going to answer all your questions in bulk, rather than spend the time emailing you. Consider this the first and last time I will respond to your arguments.

Question 1 – You have to admit that (insert bullshit statistic) is true.

Look, whenever you send me a fucking statistic, I think this; “statistics don’t lie, but only liars use statistics.” Depending on where you choose to conduct your study, you can make statistics say whatever you want. For example, Essa wants to prove that women are actually taller than men.

In my apartment block, I have me, Essa. I’m about 5’5” tall. Above me, I have four women who are professional models. Their heights are 5’9”, 5’11”, 6’2” and 5’8”.

Average women’s height = 5’9 inches

Onto the men. I have Mr. Washington and his son; 5’8” and 5’9” respectively. I have college student Kevin; 6’4”. I have insurance guy Mike; 5’7”. Finally, I have little guy Carl; 3’11”.

Average men’s height = 5’6 inches

There you go. Women are officially taller than men.

In short, fuck your statistics. Statistics will say whatever you want them to say, as long as you do the math right.

Question 2 – Women are emotional

Yeah, that’s what makes us different and kind of makes the world work. If it weren’t for emotional women, the world would just be full of dudes punching each other in the arms and working for no reason.

Emotions drive human beings. Having emotions outside of the desire to fuck, eat and sleep is what separates us from animals. Experiencing the full spectrum of emotions out there is what makes us special. My dog doesn’t get to experience the full spectrum of emotions. She’s happy, bored, and having sex with one of my couch cushions. Those are her levels. It might sound nice, but she will never find a cure for cancer.

Why? Because she doesn‘t care about cancer. She cares about fulfilling her most basic urges. If it weren’t for emotions, we would all still be grunting in caves and fucking rocks. Emotions are what make us special. Stop treating them like a bad thing.

Questions 3 – Why do women keep trading up?

One of the biggest complaints I hear from these men that email me is that women ‘trade up’. They marry starter husbands and then leave them as soon as they find something better.

But these men never seem to consider their own culpability in the situation. No, they were all behaving like perfect saints when their girls left them. They never cheated, so that means they are angels who are completely blameless in the process.

Um, no. How would you feel if you married a woman who was 5’4” and 100 pounds, and then 6 months later, became 5’4” and 200 pounds? How would you feel if she was active when she married you, but became a lazy asshole 3 months in?

Here’s the thing dudes; women don’t randomly change. We don’t suddenly fall out of love. Personally, I think whenever someone cheats in a relationship, both parties are to blame. If they were fulfilled at home, they wouldn’t have cheated.

So here are your choices dudes. Either you married an evil gold digger, who was an evil gold digger from the beginning, but you were too fucking stupid to notice. Or you married a chick, started ignoring her because you had her locked down, and she strayed out of boredom.

You’re not an innocent victim. You’re either a moron, or a lazy douche. Now stop bitching about it. You being dumb and marrying without a prenup is not the world’s problem. It’s yours.

Question 4 – Not really a questions but …”I’m never getting married because of bitches like you.” 

Who gives a fuck? Die alone. No one cares and no one will ever love you. Ride that self pity train all the way to your grave, loser.

Question 4 – You talk all tough, but I bet you would totally fall for one of my lines.

I’m getting ready to share a deep dark secret here people.

Since 2006, I have been a professional ghostwriter. I didn’t go full time professional until about 1 year ago. However, in the time that I was ghostwriting part time, I wrote about 75 non-fiction, self help style books.

The majority of my ghostwriting projects focused on relationships, mental manipulation, emotional cues, body language and a little something called kenos.

That book that you read, those tips that you read, that you think I’m going to fall for because you are such a master manipulator? Yeah, I wrote those books.

I know about acting uninterested. I know about throwing out subtle insults. I know about deep eye contact. I know about light touching. Hell, I even know that advanced level shit about wearing one contact lens that is a little bit darker than the other. I know about it because I wrote it. And you did it.

You did it because I fucking told you to. Who’s the master manipulator here? Dance, puppets dance.

Question 5 – I bet you only act this way because you’re a lonely bitter old bitch who can’t get laid.

Let’s just get this out of the way; I can get laid any time I want. Just to make sure, I just went outside and screamed “hey, I’m a reasonably attractive women with no STDs, who needs some dick.” Approximately 7000 men and 4 women invited me into their apartments.

I know this might sound hard to believe, but women can be smart. We can be depressingly smart. The sad fact is, when a chick is really, really smart, most men are uncomfortable around her. It’s not the same way for chicks and dudes. A girl can hook up with a guy a lot smarter than her and feel completely ok with it. She’ll have smart babies. Things are wonderful.

Smart girls don’t work quite the same way.  Guys get threatened. They don’t like it when we can name all the elements in the periodic table, and they have to Google what the periodic table is in the first place.

I got handed 40 more IQ points than I actually needed and now it’s my responsibility to figure out what I need to do with them. I have two choices.

I can dumb myself down so I’m nice and non-threatening. I could meet a nice man and pretend to be an average intelligence girl. I could laugh at his jokes, even when they’re dumb. I could let him talk down to me, to keep him from feeling threatened.  I could pretend to not know he’s fucking around on me, while I tolerate his family, clean his house and pick his socks up off the floor.

Or I can fuck a bunch of really stupid, really attractive guys who mainly want to get into my pants because I flashed a shiny key ring.

So I go ahead and I buy shiny key rings in bulk. Boys, it isn’t 1953 anymore.  I accepted the fact that I’m a trade off kind of girl a long time ago. I can be who I am, get laid on a regular basis, and go back to being me. Or I can fake something I’m not in order to fit an outdated custom.

I’m not the only girl who feels like this. Marriage and family isn’t the golden ring for us anymore. Sacrificing who we are to start a family isn’t what drives us anymore. We have bigger dreams than a nice house in the suburbs.

In short, somewhere between 1953 and now, women became people. We started having real experiences and living real lives. I get it when you send me messages telling me that children ‘do better in a nuclear family’. I really do.

But those children grow up to be adults, and half of those adults are female.

Look manosphere dudes, the reason you and me don’t get along isn’t because you’re manly men and I’m a feminist (meaning I’m a chick with an opinion, in your world).

The reason we don’t get along is because I hate hypocrites. And you fuckers, you are the worst kind of hypocrites there are. Because you refuse to see your own hypocrisy.

You bitch that women are only after men for their financial value.

Then you call women with kids or women over 35 ‘low value.’

You bitch that matriarchies ruin the world.

But you blindly refuse to see the damage patriarchies already cause (Taliban, cough, Taliban).

You bitch that feminists only want to do the easy, high paying jobs.

Then you bitch when women in the coal mining, welding and automotive industries file lawsuits because they are harassed while they’re just trying to do their low paying jobs.

You talk about how patriarchies are better for making children happy.

But you don’t seem to give a fuck how happy those children are when they grow up.

Simply stated manosphere, I don’t like you because you treat women like accessories and not people. You catalog our faults, while ignoring your own. You complain because we don’t want to fill the roles you’ve predefined for us. You complain because we leave you when you treat us like shit.

Nope, I’m not a feminist. I believe in the power of the people. I believe that some people are smarter than other people. But I believe in something else too. I believe that I am smarter than you. That has nothing to do with gender. That’s just a fucking fact.  I get annoyed when you send me emails because I think “why the hell should I have to explain myself to someone who is not as smart as me?”

Seriously manosphere douches, I didn’t make you stupid. God did. Take it up with him (or her, whatever).

What I don’t believe in is separating the world by gender lines. I will never believe in doing that. Today, it would be wildly unacceptable for our military to separate ranks into ‘black soldiers’ and ‘white soldiers’. But it’s totally kosher to separate us into ‘male soldiers’ and ‘female soldiers’?

Fuck that. Manosphere boys, accept the fact that there are women out there that are just as smart as you. We are just as strong as you. According to my statistics, we are just as tall as you.

You keep emailing on a regular basis. Now you can stop, because I have answered all your questions.  Now go fuck yourself, and I hope your testosterone overload gives you cancer (hey, I never claimed to be nice).


13 thoughts on “Dear Manosphere Retards…In Answer to Your Questions

  1. Nice post–the mention of how manospherians are your most devoted “fans” made me chuckle IRL. They annoy me for essentially the same reason: they can’t seem to shut the hell up about their pet causes. I don’t even want to get married either, but I don’t talk about it all the time, everywhere, 24/7. I can’t understand why these bozos care so much about other people’s opinions on what they do, to the extent of pestering you (and pretty much anyone else who writes even tangentially on gender issues) so relentlessly. For people who so loudly proclaim they’re “independent” and “don’t need women,” they sure like to fill up random women’s email inboxes or comment sections with butthurt whining.

    • I have no devoted fans. I know only people who accept the fact that death is a one on one process, and people who don’t. No one deserves to go that way, but all of us will.

      It’s why I refuse to take arguments too seriously. This world is boot camp. It doesn’t discriminate. It doesn’t validate. It just ends before we graduate….and it doesn’t care about gender.

    • Sorry, I just realized how depressing my last response came off as. Simply stated, thanks for your response. We’re in the same boat, so it’s nice to hear from someone who gets it. 😉

  2. It really is too bad how feminism is often just the same as the current status quo, just flipped around. Like you said, it’s not about “women’s rights,” it’s about “human rights.” Awesome awesome post. Haha, how ironic it is that the manly men so readily show their insecurity and throw hissy fits left and right.

  3. I have to comment now, even though I really don’t have time, because what if I died on the way back to work after lunch and the world missed the greatness of this comment? There’s times I’m really, really glad I don’t have a smartphone, like when I don’t pay an $80 phone bill or get a surprise phone bill, or like just now when people would’ve thought I was nuts for laughing so fucking hard (at work, while spending quality work time reading this) over you going outside and yelling. This is the new “greatest post I’ve ever read”. Hopefully you don’t do that at random times in the middle of the night.
    PS I suppose this makes me one of the dreaded sexist pigs, but if you could send me pics of you and the 4 models, it would be much appreciated, thanks. Just kidding (though I consider you quite attractive), but maybe I could use one of your self-help books, as I’m sure that if I went out and yelled that on my front steps, my pickings wouldn’t be as good as yours. I’m really intrigued by the different color contacts–a conversation starter, perhaps?
    Oh, and I could really use a friend telling me to quit riding “that self-pity train all the way to your grave, loser.” I know all about feeling sorry for myself about the lack of a good woman, etc. I don’t blame the women, but I DO blame my hideously bad choices in women. SOME of them really give a bad name to womanhood. But some are cooler than shit. I just don’t meet ’em (or I overlook ’em while the icky ones catch my eye).
    Yeah, so much for a short comment. The “short answer” is that I loved this post, Essa–thanks for brightening up my day.

    • No problem, and because you were so awesome, I’m going to go ahead and explain the two color contact thing. It’s not just a conversation starter. It’s actually a bit more devious.

      Have you ever seen an old hypnosis movie, where the hypnotist was waving a watch back and forth in front of someone? That’s not just a prop. It’s actually based in science.

      The goal is to force the subject’s eyes to move back in forth, to eventually bring on something called REM (rapid eye movement). REM usually only happens when you are deeply asleep and dreaming. REM is a point where the human mind is at its most vulnerable, because the subconscious is wide open and has taken over the conscious.

      When REM is induced while someone is awake, they are very vulnerable to manipulation. It’s easy to implant suggestions in them and make them believe what you want them to believe.

      Of course, you can’t just go around waving a watch in front of a girl’s face at a club. Instead, you need to be more subtle. That’s where the two different color eyes come in. Once someone notices that they are looking into two different color eyes, they will start to focus on one over the other. They’ll realize what they are doing and try to make direct eye contact again, but they’ll actually just start switching their gaze from one eye to another.

      In many cases, this is enough to trigger REM, making the subject vulnerable to manipulation.

      Like I said, advanced level shit. You aren’t going to find tricks like that on a pick up artist’s website…unless I wrote it. 😉

  4. Dear Essa,
    You are awesome. Case in point:
    “Question 4 – Not really a questions but …”I’m never getting married because of bitches like you.”

    Who gives a fuck? Die alone. No one cares and no one will ever love you. Ride that self pity train all the way to your grave, loser.”
    Best Q&A EVER.

    Ironically, being a man means stepping up and doing something about the shittiness of your life, instead of whining and lashing out like a baby. That irony never hits them.

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