Most of the time, I like being a girl. When I get around to prettying myself up, I actually enjoy the makeup, the clothes, the shoes, ect. I like having girlfriends who are super open, and super supportive. However, there are a few things that make me ashamed of my gender sometimes. So, in an effort to help out my fellow women, here are some things I am going to need you all to think about.
Not being able to cook is not an accomplishment.
“Oh, you know how to cook? I’m such a terrible cook. One time I (insert culinary horror story here).”
The reason this pisses me off is I always feel just a little bit of condescension coming from the lady telling me what a shitty cook she is. Like she’s too busy being a modern businesswomen, climbing her way up the corporate ladder to learn how to cook. Like me knowing how to make a friggen pie means I’m sitting at home, knitting doilies for my hope chest and waiting for the men folk to come home.
Look bitches, you know why I know how to cook? Because I have a reading comprehension level above the fourth grade and I know how to turn on a stove without killing myself. Yup, I can follow a recipe because I am not 100% fucktarded. Even when you do it wrong, most of the time, it comes out right anyway. Shit, I once made bread out of rice…fucking rice.
Also, I like cooking. My favorite holiday is Thanksgiving, because it combines my two favorite pastimes. Cooking and drinking.
Anyway, when you’re telling me what a shitty cook you are, just know that I think you’re retarded. This is not to be confused with not liking to cook. If you don’t like it, say you don’t like it. But to me, saying “I don’t know how to cook” is the equivalent of saying “I don’t know how to send an attachment by email.”
Either way, poke around and stop being a lazy bitch. You’ll figure it out.
Hating on strippers makes you look like a bitch.
I was never a stripper. I’ve never taken my clothes off for money because honestly, I doubt there are any strip clubs out there that advertise for strippers with stretch marks and bullet wounds. However, when it comes to girls who do that for a living, I am a 100% judgment free zone. Ladies out there, if you look good enough to take off your clothes and have someone pay you for it, more power to you.
Unfortunately, a lot of my gender doesn’t seem to have the same mindset. This is because of what I like to call ‘the mean girl mentality’. Girls who hate on strippers do it for one reason; jealousy. But instead of being upfront that they are jealous because some girl might be prettier than them, they try to hide that jealousy behind something else. Morality.
They use their own ‘morality’ clause as an excuse to call other women sluts and whores. While their doing that, they pretend that they’re being moral. They pretend they’re taking a stand for feminism.
They’re doing the exact opposite. Feminism is fighting for the right for women to be allowed to make their own choices. You can’t fight for the right for someone to make their own choice, and then flip around and get pissed because you think that choice is wrong. It doesn’t work that way.
When you try to back up that argument and say ‘these women were being taken advantage of’ what you’re really saying is ‘these women are unable to make choices for themselves.” You undermine your entire fucking argument, and you do it out of jealousy.
I’ve known more than a few strippers in my time, and a couple of girls who did a quick titty flash for “Girls Gone Wild”. These girls were smart, sensible and normal. Most of them didn’t even come close to being as promiscuous as me. They were girls that did what they wanted with what they had.
And you calling them sluts and whores about it makes you look like a cunt…And yes, I just said cunt. Which brings me to my next point.
Stop telling people how much the word ‘cunt’ bothers you.
While you’re at it, why don’t you give them a listing of your fears and a street map to your house? When you tell someone what bothers you, eventually, they will use that information against you. That isn’t my statement by the way. That is a statement from one of my favorite books “The Art of War.”
Women telling people the only slur that bothers them is ’cunt’ is the reason internet trolls use ‘cunt’ to excess. One time, I got a 78 word email that was just the word ‘cunt’ written over and over again. It’s hanging on my wall right now.
The word ‘cunt’ doesn’t bother me. To me, it’s no more offensive than any other word you can’t say on cable. Personally, I like making up my own swear words. I’m super good at it and I’m fluent in four profanities.
Stop telling other people how to parent their children.
This is especially true for those of you out there who have no fucking children, but still feel qualified to discuss your opinion because you watched an episode of Dr. Phil one time. Yeah, I get it. Everyone is entitled to their opinion. The problem is, for you childless parenters out there (most often women) your opinion is shit.
Let me give you an anecdote to explain. I love the movie “Groundhog Day”. I particularly like the scene where Bill Murray is carving an ice sculpture with a chainsaw. He made it look so easy…which is why I have a scar from the fourteen stitches I received on my arm when attempting to do my own ice sculpture.
My point here is you never know how hard something is until you actually do it yourself. So no, if you don’t have kids, your opinion on parenting means shit to me. Just because you have a vagina doesn’t make you qualified to give parenting advice.
Stop posting 75 pictures of yourself a day
We get it, you’re pretty. Do we really need yet another self photo taken from an iPhone to prove it? Whenever I see one of these, I’m always immediately annoyed by the statements that follow. “You’re sooo beautiful!!!!” or “What a great picture!”
My post would be “stop encouraging these bitches.”
If you need validation on how you look from 400 Facebook strangers, then you need the kind of help for your self esteem that only therapy can provide. Stop posting pictures of yourself and book an appointment with a shrink.
Do you know why there are almost no pictures of me on this site? It’s not because I’m ashamed of how I look. It’s not even because I don’t care how I look. It’s because when it comes to looks, I’ve satisfied with the only person’s opinion that matters. My own. I look in the mirror and am extremely satisfied with the reflection I see. That’s why when a stranger tells me I’m pretty, I don’t say “thanks”. I say “I know.”
I don’t need to post 75 self portraits a day to get validation and neither do you. Until you start liking what you see, how the hell can you expect someone else to like it?
That’s all for today ladies, but I’m glad we got a chance to have this talk. In the future, I’m expecting to see a lot less girl on girl hate and cries for validation, and a little more actual opinion on things that really matter.
Until then, I’ll be here, baking pies, hanging with my kid and being smoking hot…and not needing anyone else to tell me how great I am.